Icarus
by pathopoeia
Summary: The Captain had always been the one person who broke through Spock's careful logic and contained feelings to the human side buried deep beneath. He had cried for him, he had killed for him but in the end there had been nothing he could have done. Angst, fluff, smut and happy endings. Chapter 13: Family is now up! (14/7/13) COMPLETE.
1. Prologue

**While I have co-written a Star Trek fic with princesspandapui, it is still in a draft phase. Do check out her profile though :)**

**This my first solo Star Trek fic. I do not own Star Trek or any of the characters.**

**Enjoy, and please review.**

* * *

**Prologue**

Jim Kirk was dead. Captain James Tiberius Kirk was _dead_. No matter how many times this thought entered Spock's mind, it still surprised him. He could not equate the idea of _death_ with the bright, exuberance of his friend. Jim was dead. It was a fact of the universe now, the same as 299 792 458 m/s was the approximate speed of light. Of course, Jim had been dead before. He had died in front of Spock, reaching out for his friend with dulled eyes. He had saved the ship, and the universe had seen fit to give him another chance in the form of Khan's blood. No matter how he wished it was otherwise, Spock knew that it was highly improbable that Jim would have managed to cheat death again.

The way in which he died would forever seem as an insult to the Captain in Spock's eyes, however illogical it was. Jim did not die bleeding and heroic, he did not die peacefully, he did not die for something that mattered. Spock winced at the memory, and wondered at the fact that his Captain had always been the one person who broke through Spock's careful logic and contained feelings to the human side buried deep beneath. He had cried for him, he had killed for him but in the end there had been nothing he could have done.

It had been a routine mission to an M-class planet. They were to survey the planet for anything of scientific interest and avoid disturbing the eco-system. There were no hostiles on the planet, and even the beasts that lumbered around the sandy dunes were considered to be docile. Yet it was this planet that claimed Jim's life.

They had been unable to beam down to intense magnetic interference from the planets atmosphere. Sulu had predicted that the shuttle's navigational instruments would also succumb to the interference, and so there was only one option left. A shuttle was prepped in the space above, and Spock, Jim and a security team were to parachute down. Jim had suited up gleefully, encouraging the team with slaps on the back and words of bravado. How these methods gave the crew courage, Spock had never truly understood, but nevertheless it had always proved effective. For him, Jim would only smile and there was something in those blue eyes that would speak to the human in Spock's soul without a word ever being said. Spock found that while this was illogical, the strange understanding that he and Kirk had shared since their encounter with Khan was something that could not be expressed by words. In Spock's opinion, even attempting to explain it would cheapen it somehow. This was a very human idea, he knew and yet he could not summon the necessary strength to simply ignore it.

Spock had a bag with the necessary surveying instruments strapped to his back carefully, so it would not interfere with the release of his parachute. As he double-checked the parachute mechanism, Jim moved into position for deployment from the shuttle. He grinned as Spock took his place beside him.

"Ready, Spock?" his eyes were alight with the beginnings of adrenaline. Spock had raised an eyebrow in response.

"I am ready, Captain."

Jim rolled his eyes at Spock's insistence of calling him by his rank, but let it slide. Spock had wished in the days that followed that he had not.

"Okay, we're ready. Kirk, requesting deployment in three seconds."

The seconds ticked past, and then they were thrown out into space. While other members of the team whooped as the adrenaline surged through their veins, the only sounds from Kirk over the comms were his purposely controlled breathing. Spock knew that his Captain hated falling through space - "almost as much as I hate salad." he had said with a cocky grin and a laugh that had not matched his eyes. As they entered the atmosphere, the roar of wind whipping past his ears drowned most other sounds and Spock focused on the HUD of his helmet.

"Pulling 'chute in sixty seconds, Captain." he had to raise his voice to be heard.

"Affirmative, _Commander._" he could almost hear the smirk in Jim's voice.

The vast desert landscape came closer, red rocks and dust with only a few plants that were a vital part of the planet's ecosystem. Spock found it similar aesthetically to that of the destroyed Vulcan home-world. He was glad that he had meditated the night before, or the sight may have brought up unwanted emotions. He needed to focus on the mission at hand.

"Pulling 'chute." Spock smacked his chest and the parachute spread behind him with a _whoomph_, jerking his shoulders painfully.

There were identical sounds from all six of the security escort, their red parachutes billowing into the air and slowing their fall. Spock realised that the Captain was not among those who had spoken. It was at that moment that he shot past them, a blur of yellow. Falling.

"_Captain_!" Spock shouted into the communicator.

"Spock, what's going on? The Captain's gone dark, his suit seems to have reacted with the atmosphere, we can't raise him-" Uhura's voice was frantic.

"Lieutenant-"

There was a red, flashing light on his HUD.

_Captain James T. Kirk, status:_

_Suit power failure_

_Parachute manual override failure_

_Emergency power: failed_

_Respiratory systems: failed_

_Shields: failed_

_CONTACT LOST_

And that was how Jim Kirk had fallen, and how Spock had not been able to catch him.


	2. Chapter 1: Chess

**Chapter One: Chess**

**(I would like to apologise for the layout, i can't get to do the line breaks properly. If anyone knows how to, please drop me a message.)**

**Thank you all very much for your kind reviews as well, I seriously appreciate them :)**

* * *

There was nobody to blame. That was, Spock thought, one of the hardest things for the rest of the crew of the _Enterprise. _They could not swear vengeance for their Captain, they could not direct their grief towards anyone. It was simply a mistake, a faulty suit, an incompatible atmosphere.

_Jim deserved better_.

Spock realised he had been staring at his terminal blankly for nearly ten minutes. While he was now Acting-Captain, he had been unable to sit in Jim's chair. He knew it was illogical, and emotional and the crew were both taken aback and thankful for this gesture. The bridge was unbearably silent, the air weighed down with grief. They had reported to Starfleet Command, and the Captain had been declared Missing In Action. Spock reasoned that it was logical that the Admirals would try and reduce the hit in morale, and it would have been much worse if they had simply declared him dead. They had been ordered to patrol the neutral zone for two weeks and then to return to Earth.

The crew were all dealing with Jim's death in different ways. Doctor McCoy veered between moods of intense anger and complete desolation and had begun to drink. Chekov and Sulu took solace in discussing everything under the sun other than what had happened. Scotty refused to leave engineering. Uhura had initially attempted to find her comfort in Spock.

"Spock." Uhura's voice was a whisper at his door. Spock considered ignoring her for a moment, but realised that he could not be so unkind as to leave her alone in her grief.

"Nyota." he stood from his desk and clasped his hands behind his back. "Please, come in."

She entered, glancing around Spock's quarters. They were spotless as usual, warm and the scent of incense hung delicately in the air from his earlier attempts at meditation. Spock had been unable to reach the desired mediative state, and after two hours, had given up trying. After a pause, Nyota broke the distance between them and wrapped her arms around Spock's waist.

"I know he was your friend," she whispered, "He was all our friend. I'm so sorry." Spock did not understand why Nyota was apologising, but he accepted her attempts to comfort him and returned her embrace, albeit a little stiffly. She pulled away and sighed. Her eyes were puffy and Spock surmised that she had been crying.

"Thank you, Nyota." he managed to say. His chest felt tight and there was a lump in his throat. He took in a deep breath and attempted to calm his mind. Spock had built barriers against his emotional turmoil at his Captain's death. There would be time to grieve later, when he was not responsible for the _Enterprise_ and its crew.

Nyota studied him for a moment.

"You are going to go to the New Vulcan colony, aren't you."

While it was phrased as a question, Nyota's tone suggested it was a statement. Spock nodded.

"You are correct, Nyota. I believe my skills will be of more value there, and I cannot miss the opportunity to speak with my father." _or my alternate self_, he added silently. Spock had so many questions, and many of them only he could answer. He also had to know, had to see what life had been like while Jim was _still in it._

Nyota looked as though she was going to cry again. Spock stayed still, unsure. He had expected that the news would be hard on Nyota, but had given no real thought as to the best way to tell her that he wished to leave. Jim had always told him that life had a habit of taking you by surprise when decisions had to be made. Spock was inclined to agree.

Nyota struggled with herself for a moment. Spock understood that this admission would also lead to the termination of their relationship, but he could not bring himself to feel regret. He could not bring himself to feel anything for the fear that he would drown in his emotions.

"I understand, Spock." she smiled sadly, but honestly. "But you have to keep in touch."

Spock assured her that he would. She gave him a peck on the cheek and then left, the door sliding shut behind her. Spock was left in the solitude of his quarters once more. He had never personalised his quarters much - mainly because he was usually on the bridge or in the science labs, and he did not see the logic in wasting credits on a space that he did nothing but sleep and meditate in. There were only three things that defined these quarters as belonging to him. There was a small Vulcan artifact that his mother had given to him as a gift when he had joined Starfleet, a painting of the house he had lived in on Vulcan, and a vintage glass chess set that Jim had bought him for his birthday.

X

Spock had been unaware that Jim even knew the date of his birth, and had been inordinately surprised when his Captain had shown up with a wrapped parcel and a grin. Spock had been..._touched _by the gesture. While he found that 3D chess was much more complex and required more concentration, he was not opposed to playing the original version that had begun on Earth. Jim had been nervous, Spock remembered. His Captain had been bouncing from foot to foot, rubbing his neck and had an elevated heart-rate. He had found Jim's nervousness and anticipation illogical, but oddly endearing.

"Open it then." he pushed into Spock's room impatiently, perching on the very edge of the made bed. Spock stood by the door still, the hastily wrapped parcel in his hands. After a moment he crossed the room to sit next to Jim and began to tear the paper away. The present was heavy in his hands, and as he disposed of the last of the wrapping Spock saw that it was made of a silky reddish wood that he knew from research was mahogany. He also knew that mahogany was extremely expensive. He found the brass catch and deftly opened the wooden box. It opened out to become a beautiful chessboard with glass tiles and intricately carved glass pieces. Spock found himself inexplicably speechless.

"Oh, _god _you hate it, don't you?" Jim began to babble, taking his silence as dislike "It's fine, honestly I'll get you something better-"

"On the contrary, Jim. It is a wonderful gift. You have my sincere gratitude."

Jim let out a relieved breath and grinned. His posture relaxed and he almost looked as though he was going to flop backwards onto Spock's bed, but then thought better of it.

"I'm glad, Spock." Jim smiled warmly and nudged Spock in the ribs with his elbow, "Now, let's see if you're any good."

Spock raised an eyebrow in amusement and set out the board. Jim claimed the white, and he the black. It seemed that Jim's intelligence extended to playing chess as well, and Spock had to concentrate hard in order to win the game. It took a long time, with very few pieces left on the board.

"Checkmate." Spock said. The slight upward turn of his lips spoke of satisfaction. Jim chuckled and ran his hands through his hair.

"Ah, I knew you'd beat me." he narrowed his eyes and surveyed the board, "It was close though. Rematch, tomorrow? My quarters, after Beta shift."

He got up to leave, still smiling. Spock hadn't answered him, but the vulcan had the suspicion that Jim wouldn't take no for an answer. While he may have beaten Jim at chess, he would not presume to match his Captain in stubbornness. He looked back at the gift as Jim left the room.

"Oh, and happy birthday, Spock." Jim's voice was low, intimate, and Spock did not reply as the door had shut before he had formulated an appropriate response.

It was not until later, much later when Spock had carefully begun to put away the chessboard that he understood the gift he had been given. His fingers had caught on a nick on the bottom of the board, and he curiously turned it over. Etched in that priceless wood was the scratched writing of a child.

_Property of James T Kirk. _

Spock had run his fingers over those words in what could only be expressed as wonder. He knew very little of James Kirk as a child. Even to his crew, Jim's file was mostly classified, and any information concerning his early life was completely inaccessible. But Spock was the opposite of stupid, and he had garnered enough clues to understand exactly what he had been given. And it was very much more than just a chess set. It was a piece of Jim, a piece of him from the past he tried so hard to forget. And yet he had seen fit to trust Spock with it.

Spock had noticed that Jim was fiercely protective of children, even going so far as to take on the role of almost an older brother to Pavel Chenkov. Whenever his childhood was mentioned, he would clam up and Doctor McCoy's face would become grim. The Doctor was the only crew member who had unlimited access to Jim's files, in the interest of his role as Chief Medical Officer. However, on the occasion that the Doctor had left Jim's medical files open when he left the infirmary, Spock found it only _reasonable_ that he should look at the files. It was, after all, his duty as Jim's First Officer to understand the troubles his Captain may have faced.

It had taken several hours to read through all of Jim's admissions to the sickbay, to those incidents he had as a child. Spock had been thankful for the lack of interruptions, if not slightly suspicious of the Doctor's whereabouts. What he did find made his gut twist in sympathy for Jim, and strengthened his resolve to never speak of it. Such things were, along with many others, best left unsaid.

X

Spock could not remember the last time he had had an unbroken, peaceful sleep. He tossed and turned all night and often he dreamed. He dreamed of falling.

He would awake, sweating and confused. It was illogical that _he _should dream of falling. His parachute had not failed. He had not fallen. It would be far more logical if his subconscious tortured his sleep with nightmares of Jim falling to his death, but yet he never once dreamt of this. He only dreamt of falling and falling, and woke with his heart in his throat and feeling _achingly_ alone. It was getting harder and harder to achieve a state of mental serenity. Any attempts to mediate frustrated him rather than calmed him and he was finding it much more difficult to control his emotions as each day passed. He was thankful for his expertise at controlling himself in tense situations, as it was becoming an invaluable skill as Acting Captain of the _Enterprise_. None of the crew appeared to have noticed, but he surmised that this was because they were caught up in their own grief. He was incorrect. There were often pointed looks exchanged, looks of understanding because the crew understood that Spock had been Jim's friend too, and he had loved him and grieved for him along with them.

Doctor McCoy was the only one brave enough to confront Spock, cornering him in the turbolift one evening at the end of Gamma shift.

"Spock." he said gruffly.

"Doctor McCoy." Spock's own voice was tired - while trawling up and down the neutral zone wasn't exactly a difficult job for the crew, he had ben looking forward to attempting to get some rest. Unconsciousness was the only respite from those thoughts.

_Jim is dead._

"Now, I know you can do that Vulcan hoodoo to keep yourself sane, but dammit Spock, you look rough. Get some rest, eat properly and we won't have a problem."

While the doctor's words were strong, Spock could not help but notice McCoy himself had dark shadows under his eyes.

"I believe that out of the two of us, you are the one who looks 'rough'." Spock commented dryly. To his surprise, the doctor burst into laughter.

"You might be right about that. Ah, dammit Spock." he clapped Spock on the shoulder and headed back in the direction of the medical bay. Spock could not ever remember the Doctor having touched him in a friendly manner before. The only person who had ever done that had been Uhura. And Jim.

Spock entered his quarters with the intent on sleeping, but instead he lit incense and sat down cross-legged on the floor. He had to mediate, had to think. Had to grieve in the vulcan way for his friend.


	3. Chapter 2: Fingertips

**Chapter Two: Fingertips**

**again, thank you very much for all the reviews! This chapter is a little shorter, but I promise they will start to get longer as we go.**

* * *

Spock had always seen the need for alcohol consumption to have an 'enjoyable' night out as something rather distasteful and unnecessary. Alcohol had very little effect on vulcans, their vice of choice was chocolate. Not that Spock had ever found the need to fall victim to such a vice. Not even after his mother had died had he found the compulsion to lower his inhibitions and judgement merely to forget. He found meditation and the kindness of his friends to be preferable. He had, in the first few days after Jim's death, found himself sorely tempted to see whether it would help. But he had gone to the medical bay first, and saw that Doctor McCoy had evidently beaten him to it.

The doctor had been slumped in the chair in his office, clutching a bottle of whisky that looked oddly family. The other hand was circled around a bag, which McCoy would occasionally turn his head towards and retch violently into. Spock entered the room and used his superior strength to wrestle the bottle away from McCoy. The bottle was cold, and it was then that Spock remembered why it seemed familiar. It had been a present to McCoy from Jim, only a few months before. Spock hesitated for a moment and without really knowing why, left the bottle on McCoy's desk. The doctor had looked at him thankfully and yet didn't resume his drinking. Instead he flopped back in his chair and closed his eyes.

Having seen the state of Doctor McCoy, Spock rejected his earlier temptations and headed to the bridge instead. It was almost empty except for essential crew, and so Spock stood and looked at the starry galaxy before him. As they always did now, his thoughts turned to Jim.

X

Jim had insisted that the crew have some downtime when they passed a popular Starbase - which incidentally was known for its nightlife and 'professional' games of beer-pong. Spock had simply raised an eyebrow at the suggestion, but even he had been unable to dissuade Jim from his goal of attempting to beat the currently record holder, an Orion whose name Jim hadn't seen fit to remember. As far as Spock could make out, the game was like the old human game of ping pong, only instead of rackets, the goal was to get the ball into the opponents cup. And instead of beer, the cups were full of interesting and bizarre alcoholic concoctions. Doctor McCoy argued for half an hour before the 'referee' would let him in with his tricorder to make sure Jim wasn't allergic to anything. Surprisingly, none of the drinks showed up as being able to cause Jim to have an allergic reaction. However, the doctor was not quite as certain.

Jim was dressed in his blacks, not wanting to bring more attention than he had already gathered - being the youngest Captain in the fleet and participating in what Bones had declared an infantile game. This emotional and overprotective display only made Jim grin more.

"Awh, Bones." he clapped the doctor on the shoulder, "You're so sweet. My knight in...blue medical scrubs."

Bones smacked him around the back of the head, but he didn't seem truly angry. Spock had noticed this was a common occurrence with James Kirk. Even when he was being at his most cocky and uncooperative, it was impossible to be annoyed at him for very long. Spock was most displeased that this extended to his feelings towards his Captain as well, but had given up trying to fight it.

Several games later, and Jim had shockingly made it to the final match. While he had managed to excel (he had rather impressive aim), he had drunk more than his fair share of the drinks on the table. He was slurring whenever he spoke and was unable to walk in a straight line. After the final round had been set up, Spock steered his Captain to the table.

"You...gunna wshh m'luck Spock?" Jim was leaning heavily on his First Officer, and it took Spock several goes to get Jim to stand on his own two feet. "Hoo...hoomans give kisses," he tapped his cheek, "for luck."

Spock stared at him with an indiscernible expression. Jim immediately looked abashed, cheeks reddening.

"Ne'ermind. Forget't. Sorry."

Spock brushed his fingertips against Jim's palm without thinking.

"That is how vulcans kiss, Captain. Good luck."

He spun on his heel and strode away, unwilling to look back. If he had, he would have seen Jim watching him go with an expression between confusion, delight and absolute shock. But he did not look back, instead taking a seat with the rest of the crew and trying to understand _why _he had shared something with Jim that he had not shared with Nyota. As the game begun, he resolved to push it out of his mind. It had been a gesture of support. Nothing more.

Evidently, his gift of luck to Jim had been worth it, as he came out victorious and extremely inebriated. He and Bones grabbed an arm each, supporting Jim as he half staggered towards the nearest seat available, almost flinging himself into Sulu's lap. The lieutenant was laughing so hard that he could barely stand _either_. Spock watched them, bemused. Uhura too was watching with her lips turned upwards, unable to tear her eyes away from her Captain as he flopped helplessly in his seat. Eventually a snicker escaped from her lips, which set off the rest of the crew...including Jim. Spock was not entirely sure that Jim understood exactly what they were laughing at, but he was laughing anyway, clutching at his stomach with tears of mirth rolling down his cheeks. Spock's cheek ached from trying to hold back his own smile.

Doctor McCoy was the one who broke up the giggles, jabbing Jim with a hypospray and handing him a towering glass of water.

"Dammit Jim, drink that before your liver falls to bits."

Jim obediently slurped at the water, frowning and pressing a hand to his forehead with a groan.

"I think my _brain_ is going to implode."

The Doctor rolled his eyes and pointed accusingly at Spock.

"_You_. Take him back to the ship. I know _you _aren't going to drink, but we sure as hell need to celebrate."

Spock looked rather distressed at this instruction but as Jim almost fell from his chair he caught him and began to pull him to his feet. Jim's head lolled onto his shoulder, puffing a breath of hot, alcohol tainted air in front of Spock. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes and instead wrapped a steady arm around his Captain's waist and hauled him towards the exit. They were met by a few cheers and offers of _more _alcohol, all of which Spock refused. After rather unceremoniously shoving Jim out into the corridor, Spock had to direct his Captain _slowly_ towards the docked _Enterprise_.

They had to stop twice - once because Jim nearly fell flat on his face, and the second time to allow him to retch violently onto the floor. Spock did not envy the person who would be responsible for cleaning _that_ up, and stepped around it.

"Captain, I believe you have definitely proved your _ability_ in consuming large amounts of alcohol and still remaining capable of throwing a small ball into a cup. While I am not sure why this is particularly impressive..."

Jim howled with laughter at Spock as they entered the turbolift. Spock wondered what exactly was so _funny_ about him.

"Jim, what is it that you find so amusing?"

Jim's laughter bubbled out slowly and he took in a deep breath. Spock was incredibly interested as to what he was to say, but unfortunately his curiosity remained unfulfilled as Jim promptly passed out into the arms of his First Officer. As the turbolift headed for the Officer's quarters, Spock allowed himself to roll his eyes where he was sure no one could see him and was thankful for his superior strength. He swooped Jim into his arms and carried him to his quarters, gently placing him on the bed. Jim groaned and reached out blindly, grabbing the first thing he could find. Which happened to be Spock's hand.

"Spock?" he whispered. Spock considered leaving - Jim was surely in no state to follow him - but he didn't. He allowed Jim to hold his hand and pushed away the feelings that surged with the touch.

"Jim."

"Don't...don't go. Don't go will you?" Jim sounded pleading, and Spock did not understand. It was illogical that Jim was merely asking him to remain with him in his inebriated state...and his tone of voice spoke of something else.

"I am here, Jim." he replied, also whispering. Jim's room was pitch black, and Spock could not see anything but the vague outline of Jim sprawled on his bed. It was pleasantly cool, and Spock could see the shapes of cluttered objects all over the Captain's quarters. No one could mistake this room for anyone's but Jim's.

Spock became aware that Jim's grip had slackened and his breathing had slowed, but he did not leave straight away. He sat there in the cool room with Jim for over an hour, just listening to the gentle breathing of his Captain. Eventually, Jim let out a horrendously loud snore, and Spock decided that it was probably time that he left.

X

After considering this memory, Spock became overwhelmed with the desire to be in the presence of something that was _Jim_. He crossed to the bathroom that he had once shared with his Captain and opened the other door into Jim's room. It was exactly how he had left it before the mission. Though he knew it was foolish, Spock was glad of this. It was as though he was going to return any second, grinning and making some obscene joke that Spock would pretend he did not understand.

A yellow shirt was rumpled on the floor, and every available surface was cluttered with _things_. There were PADDs and trinkets from what looked like _every_ world they had explored. There were photos of the crew and the _Enterprise _stuck crudely onto the walls - there was even one of him. It only showed half of his face, as he had been working at his desk when Nyota had snuck on him and taken a picture. He did not know that Jim had claimed it for his own.

He felt a pang of emotion, of sadness and he realised that though he could control his emotions, he could not change the fact that he felt them. And he _missed _Jim. He missed Jim with an ache that he did not understand, could not define and it was this rush of pain that lead to his striding over to the shirt on the floor and pressing it to his face. He did not know what he was doing, he knew it was _illogical _and childish and stupidly human but... Spock just breathed in the fading scent of his Captain's shirt and did not consider the consequences. He did not feel it was wrong, and suddenly the emotions of humans did not seem so witless. They seemed beautiful and Spock wished that he could share this new understanding with Jim. But he could not.


	4. Chapter 3: Falling

**Chapter Three: Falling**

**Um, so after promising happy times coming soon this chapter ended up more angst-y than I had intended? I'm sorry guys it will get HAPPY I SWEAR.**

**Thank you for the lovely reviews. **

* * *

Jim Kirk was surprisingly, _not _dead. The fact that he had managed to cheat death successfully _twice_ in the last few years was not lost on him. He would have been more thankful, but he was not hopeful about escaping death for what was technically the third time. After he had plummeted towards the surface of the planet, his only coherent thought had been _shit_. It was definitely not one to write in his autobiography. If he lived long enough to write one, obviously. He had lost contact with the _Enterprise_, with his team and his suit had gone to hell.

As the red plains became closer, Jim had realised how much shit he was in. And he'd be damned if he was going to die just because his suit was faulty. With a lot of swearing and luck he had somehow and rather miraculously managed to open his parachute. Not fast enough to avoid injury, unfortunately. He had hit the ground hard, fast and there had been the sound of more than one bone cracking on impact.

At that point however, lying on the sandy ground with his heart hammering in his chest, Jim had just been thankful that he was alive, and not a splat on the planet's surface. After this relief, his vision blurred and he passed out. He didn't know how long for, but that when he woke up he was desperately thirsty and starving hungry.

He ran his hands down his torso, prodding gently. The suit had absorbed most of the shock, but he estimated he had still broken at least three ribs, and his shoulders weren't feeling too healthy either. At least he hadn't broken his neck. Jim counted to ten and attempted to sit up. He was glad that his helmet was airtight - his cry of agony as he pulled himself up was heard by him alone.

Alone.

Yes, he was alone. He was almost completely sure that the crew would have assumed he was dead. The mission would have been called off, and so there would be no one looking for him. If he didn't figure out a plan of action, his cheating death would turn out to be short lived. Sitting up, he looked around him. To his disgust, all that he could see for miles was red sand, punctuated by jagged rocks and purplish flowers. Jim hoped they might be edible.

_Aright, time to be Spock. Think logically_.

He had his suit. While its power had fried, it was still a layer of protection and Jim was relatively (optimistically) sure he'd be able to get it up and running again. At some point. He had the small bag at his hip that held water purifying tablets (which were useless without actually having any _water_) a small amount of rations, a scanner and his phaser. His first route of action was clear. If he didn't find water, he'd be dead in a matter of days.

It took him several tries to manage to get upright without anything to grab onto, but he managed eventually. _It could have been worse_, he told himself as he picked a random direction and began walking, _I could be on a planet with hostile natives and air with no oxygen in it_. Jim liked to think he was a positive thinker. Non believer in 'no-win scenarios'. But as he kept walking and the landscape stayed unchanged, he wondered maybe if this was a scenario he couldn't beat. There was no enemy to fight - just survival. Have to _live_.

He didn't know how long he had been walking before he got up close to one of the purple flowers, and hopefully scanned it with the equipment he had. Apparently, while it wasn't particularly nutritious, it wouldn't kill him either. He ripped it out from the roots and tucked it into his bag. He kept walking.

He could see a shadow on the horizon. Jim wanted to sit down, so badly - his legs were aching, his shoulders were now spiking with pain and he was hoping that moving about so much wouldn't end up with one of his broken ribs puncturing a lung. But then, he'd been lucky so far. The shadow got bigger, and darker, and Jim nearly fell to his knees with relief (only he didn't think he'd be able to get up again if he did). It was a forest. Well, a jungle. He wondered briefly why they hadn't dropped near _there_ in the first place, but he had gone so far off course in his plummet from space that it was entirely possible that this is where he was supposed to land. Jim tried to recall what Spock had said he wanted to research, but couldn't. For some reason this sent a tiny shiver of panic up Jim's back and he walked faster. The idea of at least being able to collapse in _shade_ sounded wonderful.

After what felt like bloody _hours_ he reached the tree-line. He knew that Spock had _said_ there were no known aggressive predators in the planets ecosystem, but as Jim hovered at the edge of the jungle he was not personally convinced. Still, where there were plants, there was more likely to be water. His tongue was already dry and he was sweating like a pig. _Thirsty._

He began scanning plants as he entered the jungle. It was an odd jungle, while there was no sand, the cracked soil was red and the trees twisted around the rocks. It was almost as though it had invaded the desert. Jim smiled. If he had voiced this to Spock _if Spock was here_, he would have said this conclusion was 'illogical.' He missed the damn vulcan already.

After walking in a circle for a while, Jim had found several plants he could eat (though he had no way of knowing whether he'd turn out to be allergic to them. Here's hoping not) and no _goddamn _water. Jim glared at the nearest tree. It had to be alive _somehow_. While he knew it was childish and dumb, Jim pulled out his phaser and shot the tree. It made a relatively big hole, and he was about to feel bad (it was just a tree, but still) when he saw something pouring out of the hole. _Water_. Jim nearly tripped over in his haste to slurp it up, removing his helmet and forgetting about the water purifiers he should use. The thirst was overwhelming.

After the flow of water slowed, and Jim had drunk his fill, he came to his senses and scanned it. The scanner helpfully told him that it was water. Jim nearly threw the damn thing, but made do with slowly sitting down and eating the weird assortment of plants he had gathered. None of them tasted nice, some of them tasted down right _nasty_ and even when he had finished his stomach was growling. But he needed sleep, and it was getting dark. He pulled his helmet back on (better to be safe than _damn _sorry, Bones always said) and attempted to get comfortable. This was harder than it sounded, tucked between two rocks and in a suit, but he was tired and scared and fell to sleep as the sun went down.

He dreamt of falling.

There was no planet below him, he was not wearing a suit. He had no parachute. He simply fell, faster and faster. He tried to call out but there was no one there to hear him. No one to help him.

He jerked into consciousness and nearly hit his head on the rocks he had curled up between. Jim flopped back and groaned. His mouth was dry again, but there was an aching cold that had sunk into his bones. Evidently the nights were as cold as the days were hot. Even with his suit on, he was soon shivering uncontrollably and tried to curl up into as small a ball as possible to conserve body heat. What he wouldn't give for a hot shower right now. And a _huge_ glass of water, followed by some black coffee and _food_...

Jim's stomach growled and he stopped that train of thought before it became anymore painful. As soon as day broke he was going to attempt to get his suit up and running, but he was loathe to remove it while it was so bloody _cold_. He wondered what the _Enterprise _was doing. Was Spock Captain now? Was Bones okay? His heart ached for his crew, his ship. He could see glimpses of the stars through the canopy of the jungle and stared at them, hoping that one of those tiny silver lights was his ship, coming to take him home.

X

Spock was in an unusually bad mood on the bridge. While he had never been a particularly verbose individual, he was now sitting in a pointed, cold silence. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, it was obvious that he was tired. His face was paler than usual and there were the beginnings of shadows under his eyes. It had been a week, a week of dreams of falling, a week where every time he woke up he half hoped it had been some terrible dream and Jim would laugh at him, smack him on the back and challenge him to a game of chess. But he didn't. Jim was _dead_.

Uhura had almost talked to him several times, once even having stood outside Spock's quarters for almost fifteen minutes before she gave up and went down to engineering to check on Scotty. The _Enterprise _was running better than ever, and this was completely down to the fact that he refused to leave engineering. Uhura made sure to bring him food, blankets and company after the third day that he had stayed there. They all had to cope somehow, she supposed. She needed company to cope, needed people and life to remind her that they could still function without Jim. This didn't work, because they didn't work without him. They were only half a family without him, without his laughter and cocky grin, his terrible jokes. He was intelligent, brave to a fault and loved his crew and his ship more fiercely than Uhura had ever expected him to.

Her mind wandered back to one day in the mess hall. Chekov, Sulu, Bones, Scotty and herself had been playing poker. Spock had been reading in a seat slightly apart from the table, and as she threw down a winning hand she had looked up to see Jim standing in the doorway, unnoticed in the shadows. He was watching them with a smile, a genuine smile that was full of love and she could see even then, in the set of his shoulders that he would do anything for them. He would lay down his life for them - he had already proved that much. They were his - and Uhura wanted to tell him that he was _theirs_ as well. But, when she saw the warmth in his blue eyes, she realised that he already knew. And so without mentioning his presence, she collected her winnings, Jim still standing at the door - where he stayed for the rest of the game, a silent guardian. Uhura smiled at the memory. If she had ever called him that to his face he would have never let her forget it, but now she kind of wished she had said something. Not everything should be left unsaid.

X

Jim had managed to dismantle his suit and get to the wiring underneath. To put it bluntly, it was fucked. However, as he pulled out what good parts he could find, he had an idea. It was a _genius_ idea (if he did say so himself). With the circuitry of the phaser, the suit and the scanner he was sure he could make some sort of crude emergency beacon and hail the _Enterprise_. But this would mean he would have no way of knowing what was safe to eat, and no way to get to the water stored into the trees. Basically, if it didn't work he was going to most certainly die of thirst, and by all accounts that was not a nice way to go. Not that _any _way was preferable really, but still. He rubbed his hands over his face, leaving smears of red dust on his cheeks. He didn't know how long he had been unconscious, but he estimated maybe a day and a half, or two. And he had been awake for three or four days now. The climate was wrecking havoc on his body - he was either practically passing out from the heat and thirst, or crippled by shivers at night. Jim didn't even want to think about how much weight he had lost and he had grown more facial hair than he'd seen in years.

He couldn't walk far, and he was very aware that his ribs were only getting more and more painful. He had no way of knowing how much damage had been done when he fell, but he was beginning to think maybe it was worse than he had initially thought. Often he coughed up blood and one terrifying night had woken up unable to breathe and sure that he had punctured his lung. Thankfully it had passed, but Jim knew he was running out of time, out of options. He had been eating his rations sparingly along with the plants but they were nearly gone, and he was running out of trees to tap - and he couldn't go much further to find more.

_You of all people should know..._

_A Captain cannot cheat death._

* * *

So yeah, sorry about the sad. But he's not dead! (Honestly, I can't believe you guys thought I would _actually_ kill him)


	5. Chapter 4: Strawberries

**Chapter Four: Strawberries**

**Thank you everyone for your kind reviews! In return, I have a treat for you in this Chapter :)**

* * *

Jim was, apparently hallucinating. He wasn't sure _which _of the funky looking plants he had eaten had caused this, but the only new one he had tried was a weird, bulbous plant with funny pink dots. He glared at the plant in question, and it frowned back at him.

_Awesome._

This, obviously was a major setback. He couldn't exactly put his master plan in action when to him the scanner now looked like it had _teeth _and his phaser was talking to him. It wasn't being very polite either.

"_You are such an idiot. You are going to die on a dumbfuck desert planet because you didn't check your suit! You are an IMBECILE._"

Jim decided to ignore his phaser - mainly because it was right. He should have checked the damn suit, but then there was no guarantee that he would have seen whatever it was that had gone wrong and landed him in this mess.

He wanted to go _home_.

He missed Chekov and his impressive intelligence, he missed mucking around in engineering with Scotty. He missed Sulu's attempts to teach him how to fence, and annoying Uhura at every opportunity. He missed his First Officer. He missed Spock. Who knew that the man who had once attempted to kill him would be the man he'd pick every time to watch his back. If Spock were here, he'd probably have got them out of there by now.

Jim knew that Spock would probably not feel the same, despite..._well_. He took delight in annoying the hell out of the poor-half vulcan, but then he gave as good as he got. Jim sighed. He'd give anything for Spock to be here. He didn't like being alone. Once, alone had been all he had ever known, and it seemed cruel that after finally finding some kind of family he had fucked up _again_ and managed to leave them behind.

"_They won't come and find you. They'll be happy you've gone. What kind of Captain are you anyway_?"

Jim growled at his phaser, and wondered again how long it would take to stop hallucinating. He flopped backwards onto the dry ground and closed his eyes, wishing himself far, far from there and to a time where had been sure he had never felt quite so happy - or quite so damn confused.

X

Only one day before the mission that had gone to hell, the _Enterprise_ had been involved in helping a small colony get on their feet after half their planet was ravaged by homicidal insect-like aliens. The planet was undeniably beautiful with lush plant-life and pleasantly warm weather - Jim could see why they were determined to rebuild and not simply leave. He could have sworn that Spock had almost _smiled _when they had landed.

While the colonists didn't have much, they were so grateful for the crews' assistance that they presented Jim with a gift the evening that they were due to leave. It was a large wooden crate, and Jim levered open one corner, peeking into the crate. His face lit up and he grinned widely.

"Scotty, get this on board. Put it in the mess hall, we're going to want it later."

Scotty raised a curious eyebrow, but Jim wasn't willing to share the secret. The Captain tapped his nose with his finger conspiratorially, and Scotty realised that there was no point arguing with Jim. He was damn _stubborn._

"Aye, sir."

Spock had watched the engineer haul the crate onto the ship with the help of Chekov and Sulu, and turned to Jim with a question in his brown eyes.

"Captain, what exactly does that crate contain?"

Jim grinned even wider and elbowed Spock in the ribs. If he were prone to such expressions of emotion, Jim was sure that Spock was resisting the urge to roll his eyes at his _insistence _to continue what Bones had dubbed 'manhandling' his First Officer. Jim knew vulcans didn't like to be touched, but Spock was _half _vulcan, and anyway they were friends, right? Jim realised Spock was still looking at him.

"It's a surprise, Spock. A good surprise, I _promise_."

Spock arched an eyebrow, but simply nodded.

"I will meet you on the bridge, Captain."

"Call me, _Jim_ goddamnit!"

Spock didn't answer, and Jim sighed. Ever since he had practically passed out in Spock's arms (actually he _did_ pass out in Spock's arms), his First Officer had been..._offish_ with him. Not that he would ever admit this, of course. Whenever Jim had attempted him to confront him about it, Spock would point out that the discussion was not appropriate when on duty. And generally if Jim was _off_-duty, Spock was on-duty and vice versa. It was almost like he was _avoiding _Jim. This bothered the Captain more than he wanted to admit. Ever since Khan, he and Spock had been inseparable, a balanced duo taking on everything in their path. Friends. Also, Jim had noticed recently that Spock was actually quite attractive, but hey, friends could appreciate other friends...?

Jim shook his head as if he could physically dislodge the thought and shook the hand of the colony leader.

"Thank you for the gift, it was unnecessary but it will be greatly appreciated."

"It was only right. I know your kind regard our gift with extreme pleasure."

Jim's smile quirked to one side at the wording of the colony leader and turned to leave, waving back over his shoulder. He was sad to leave such a wonderful planet behind, but the fact that they had saved the colony warmed his heart. _I must be going soft_.

"Engineering, we ready to go?"

Scotty's voice crackled through the speaker. "Aye, Cap'n. Just say the word."

Jim stood from his chair.

"Get us into space, nice and gently. We have a bit of onboard shore leave in order - all Officers to the mess hall please. Kirk, out."

Kirk stepped into the turbolift, buzzing with anticipation. Oddly he was most intrigued to see what Spock's reaction was like. _Jim, really? You sound like a teenager with a crush_. Only that was silly. Having a crush on his First Officer would be unprofessional - and _anyway _he was with Uhura. _Shut up, Jim. Just, stop._

Jim stepped out and headed for the mess hall. The crate sat in the centre like a treasure chest. Uhura was already there, as were Chekov and Sulu. Jim assumed Scotty would be up once they were at warp and Spock...hopefully he'd turn up. He'd seemed curious enough about the mysterious gift.

Unable to wait any longer, Jim wrenched the lid off of the crate and the crew that were there stared down at its contents in wonder. Piles and piles of delicious, plump and sweet red strawberries lay within, scarlet and temptation personified. Jim _really _liked strawberries.

"I can't _remember_ the last time I had strawberries!" UHura exclaimed, and without waiting for an invitation, dived in and grabbed a handful. "I'm going to take a stash and then I need to get onto decoding that transmission from before the colony - _thank you_, Jim."

Jim smiled as she left, and she was closely followed by Chekov (who appeared to have shoved a ridiculous amount of them in his shirt) and Sulu who had, Jim noticed, become fast friends with the younger Russian. Scotty came up next.

"Cap'n! I cannae believe it, I haven't had one of these wee things since I was on Earth!" he plucked one from the crate and ate it eagerly. "They need some melted chocolate. And sugar. And a wee drinkie!"

Scotty held up the items in question and Jim laughed. Obviously Scotty had had a little peek himself when he'd taken the crate in. Jim pulled up a chair as Scotty fumbled around with melting the chocolate into a bowl.

The pair settled into a companionable silence, taking strawberries from the crate and alternately dipping them in sugar, dark melted chocolate and vodka. Scotty struck up a conversation about ideas to improve the warp core (using strawberries to make diagrams) and Jim listened intently, only half paying attention as he was honestly more interested in the strawberries at that current moment. Scotty noticed this and laughed to himself. Who knew the Captain had a vice other than alcohol, women and his First Officer...He and Bones had suspicions. Which they kept to themselves.

"Where _is_ the doctor?" Scotty interrupted his own explanations when he realised that he had not turned up. Jim laughed.

"He _hates_ strawberries. I bet when he saw Uhura making off with her stash he went straight back to his quarters and had some whisky instead."

"Aye, sounds about right. Well, I'm gonna call it a night, Jim. Need to be up early to take care of my lady." he patted the wall and nodded a goodnight to Jim. Jim stayed, resting his feet on the other chair and gorging himself on strawberries. Bones would give him a telling off the next day - he was supposed to be eating _proper _meals, not 'whatever he damn well felt like eating', but it would be worth it. He didn't know how long he had been sitting there when a shadow at the door caught his eye.

"Hey, Spock."

Spock stepped into the room, his eyes taking in the sight of Jim who was eating a strawberry _dripping_ with dark chocolate with an almost obscene amount of pleasure. He crossed over to Scotty's vacated seat, and Jim moved his legs so he could sit down.

"These are strawberries, Captain? A fruit originally from earth."

"_Jim_." Jim almost growled. "Seriously Spock, I've got a name. You might as well use it."

"You sound offended, Ca-_Jim_."

Jim rolled his eyes and finished his strawberry, grabbing another one and dipping it in the dark chocolate.

"I'll forgive you if you try one. Have you ever had a strawberry?"

Spock was looking at the fruit with a certain about of trepidation.

"I...no. My mother was very fond of them, but we never had this fruit on vulcan."

Jim held out the strawberry, the chocolate dribbling onto his palm. Spock took it slowly, his fingers brushing against Jim's. For once he didn't jerk away, but simply examined the fruit and after a moment, popped it into his mouth.

Jim licked the chocolate dribbles from his palm, unaware that Spock was watching him with what one _might_ have called fascination.

"What do you think?"

Spock finished chewing, his expression thoughtful. He probably should have insisted on having one without chocolate - but he doubted such a small amount would lower his inhibitions very much. It was pleasant, sweet and tart and the dark chocolate added a deeper flavour that Spock could not deny was very..._pleasurable_.

"It was delicious, Jim. Thank you. I now understand why my mother always said that it was one of her favourite foods."

Jim watched as Spock picked up another strawberry and ate it.

"Jim, is that vodka?"

Spock was looking at the bowl full of clear liquid. Jim grinned guiltily.

"Only a bit. I haven't had that much."

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, alright. I've had enough. Make it even, have some more chocolate."

Spock was briefly surprised that Jim knew the effect chocolate had on vulcans.

"No, Jim."

Jim pouted, grabbing a strawberry and plonking it into the chocolate and waving it about.

"Yes. That's a order!"

Spock raised his other eyebrow, and Jim laughed. But he did not give up, instead shifting closer to Spock with the offending fruit in question. It was _smothered_ in chocolate. He did not move even as Jim shuffled so that his legs were pressed against Spock's. Jim held the strawberry to Spock's lips.

He froze, aware that this was _definitely _inappropriate and he _should not _have had so much vodka (had he really had that much or was this teenage crush thing getting a bit out of hand) and what was Spock _doing-_

Spock opened his mouth and ate the strawberry, his eyes fixed on Jim's. Jim didn't exactly know what on hell and earth and the whole goddamn _universe _possessed him to do what he did next, but he still did it.

He leant forwards, grabbing Spock's jaw with one hand and his hand with the other and kissed him hard on the mouth. He expected disgust, perhaps to be thrown against the room (like _that_ hadn't happened before). He did not expect Spock to entwine his fingers in-between Jim's and kiss him _back_.

Spock tasted musky, sweet and of dark chocolate and strawberries and one of his hands moved to tangle in Jim's hair and Jim couldn't help the low moan in his throat as Spock slipped his tongue into Jim's mouth. He had to be dreaming, this couldn't be real because it felt so amazing and it was _Spock_ and god he _wanted_ this, and if he died now he'd be the happiest man alive.

Spock was gripping Jim's hand in a vulcan kiss so tight it was bruising, but neither of them noticed. Eventually Jim had to break away, gasping for breath. Spock's cheeks were blushing green, and he looked just as surprised as Jim.

They didn't say anything. Just stared at each other. _Had Spock's eyes always been so brown? Like chocolate._

"This is the bridge. We are approaching the planet, should be there in one minute. Shuttle is prepped for scanning."

Spock got up and left without a word, leaving Jim sitting on his chair in utter confusion. He didn't think he'd ever be able to look at strawberries the same way again.

Jim slipped from the memory to a dream, but this time he was not not alone. There was someone there, someone in the fog who held out a hand to catch him as he fell. They held him close, and they were warm and safe and Jim was _home_.

X

Spock awoke slowly. He wasn't sure what he had dreamed - he hadn't been falling this time. He had been waiting, waiting for someone. He had been ready to wait for eternity, because when they came everything would make sense. The universe would be complete. Spock moved his hand from under the covers and looked at it curiously. It almost felt as though someone had been holding it, someone warm and firm and _afraid_. A sense of fire, determination.

_Jim? But how-_

Spock's eyes widened and he almost fell in his haste to get off of the bed and over to his terminal.

"Requesting an audience with Sarek. Inform it his is son, and I must speak with him as soon as he as ready, it is of utmost urgency."

A spasm of thirst welled in Spock's mouth for no reason - he always kept well hydrated, and then he felt a phantom ache in his shoulders and he knew.

_Jim._


	6. Chapter 5: Home

**Chapter Five: Home**

**Thank you for reviewing guys :) **

* * *

While Spock was now almost certain that Jim was alive, he had no concrete evidence beyond his own mind, and it was not something he could share. After consulting with his father, Spock had had his initial suspicion confirmed. At some point, Spock had unknowingly, unwittingly begun to bond with his Captain. While he would have said that he had only _really _understood his own feelings towards Jim the night of the _strawberry _incident, the bond was older than that. It was still new, fledgling and this was why Spock could only gain impressions from Jim rather than communicate with him. Sarek suggested that it had been Jim's return from death that had started it, when Spock had hunted down Khan and only left him alive to save his Captain.

_Jim_.

He was Acting Captain, but there was no way he could simply order the ship to stop their patrol of the neutral zone. A bond was private, personal and he felt immensely guilty already that he had begun to bond with Jim without Jim even knowing. There were also more practical issues - they needed to find a way to get a shuttle down there with a medical team. He needed to be able to beam down and find Jim. All of these needed the crew, needed the brains of Chekov and Sulu and Scotty to alter the _Enterprise's _instruments so they would work effectively in the planet's atmosphere.

But he could not tell them. There had to be proof, definitive, undeniable proof that he was alive. Spock himself found he was doubting his own mind, but his father had been certain that what he was experiencing was a bond. A bond with _Jim_.

Spock sat crossed legged in his quarters and closed his eyes, reaching for the tiny warmth in his mind that was the bond that held him to Jim. He did not have time to doubt his abilities, did not have time to consider whether their bond was strong enough. It had to be. Spock followed the bond through space, through time and then-

X

He was dying. The mixture of constant hunger, constant thirst and that _damn_ fruit that made him hallucinate was taking a toll on him and Jim could do nothing about it. He had retched up dark blood more than once which was a sign something had hemorrhaged inside his body, he was running out of trees to tap water from and he was pretty sure he was getting pneumonia - he had slept without his suit on and the cold night air had been merciless. He was always having to gasp for breath and the air felt thick and heavy. It was now or never. If he left it any longer he'd be dead anyway.

Jim had stripped all of the kit at his disposal down, using the suit's link the _Enterprise_ to aim the signal at. He had to grit his teeth against the urge to vomit again - hadn't got time. Had to finish, had to get home. Had to still be alive by the time they turned up. Jim pulled the trigger of the phaser, shooting power through his makeshift beacon. It worked. As far as he could tell it worked. It was crude and generally shitty, but it would be sending a general distress along with the serial number of his suit to the _Enterprise_. Jim knew his crew. He knew it'd be enough.

_Take me home._

_Please take me home. _

Jim fought to stay conscious, but his body and his mind were tired, tired of fighting and tired of hurting. He slumped against a rock, hard enough that it bruised his back but he was already too far gone to care.

Jim woke up. He ran his hands down his body experimentally. He was in good shape, muscled and toned like he had been before...before what? It wasn't important. He heaved himself over the side of the huge soft bed he was lying on, his feet hitting the cool stone floor. It was hot outside, but a cool breeze trailed through the room, coming through the open windows that looked out onto a beautiful city. He was on Earth. Jim got up, heading for the adjoining bathroom and got in the shower, scrubbing himself clean. He ran his hands over his slightly stubbled face and decided not to bother shaving.

Naked, he crossed back into the bedroom and went to the wardrobe, pulling on a light shirt and jeans. The clock on the wall demanded attention - 9.15am. He should eat.

The kitchen was small but modern, and the smell of bacon and syrup filled his nostrils as he entered. A dark haired man stood at the stove.

"Good morning, Jim." Jim yawned in response and went over to him, putting his arms around the other man's waist and tucking his head over his shoulder to press a kiss to his clean shaven jaw. "Jim, if you wish for me to cook you breakfast I must insist that you do not..._distract_ me."

Jim laughed. "Sorry, Spock. You know me, I just can't help myself." He leaned so he could kiss the corner of Spock's mouth.

"Indeed, I have concluded it is nearly _impossible_ for you to restrain yourself." Spock's voice was warm, loving and as Jim stepped away he caught one of Jim's hands into his own and entwined their fingers. "Breakfast is nearly ready."

Jim squeezed his hand and flopped into one of the stools sitting at the breakfast bar and ran a hand through his hair, rumpling it. Spock watched him, the corner of his mouth quirked upwards in amusement. He turned back to the pan and flipped its contents onto a plate and handed it to Jim. He dug in eagerly, making noises of pleasure with a mouth full of crispy bacon.

"I shall assume I have cooked your breakfast to your satisfaction?" Spock asked, getting out a clean pan to make a vegetarian omelette for himself. Jim nodded violently and forked in another mouthful of bacon, syrup dribbling down his chin. Spock raised an eyebrow and leaned over to Jim, wiping the syrup off. "Honestly, Jim. You are getting syrup all over yourself."

Jim pushed his empty plate away from him and smiled wickedly.

"Why don't you come here and clean me up then?"

Spock hesitated for a moment, and then pushed his pan off of the heat and went round to Jim, kissing him gently, his tongue flicking out to lick the syrup from his lips. Jim wrapped an arm around Spock's waist, pulling him to stand between his thighs and his hand exploring under Spock's shirt, pressing his palm against the skin of his back. Spock shivered at his touch and cupped his hands around Jim's stubbled jaw. He smiled against Jim's lips.

"Jim, did you purposely not shave this morning?"

"I know you like me like this." Jim's voice was low, promising dark, delicious secrets and Spock moaned involuntarily, claiming Jim's mouth with his tongue.

"I do love you, Jim." he murmured between kisses. "I shall never leave you. _Never_."

X

As soon as Spock saw Jim activate his crudely made distress beacon he pulled back from the bond and got up, heading for the bridge. He could tell from looking into Jim's mind that his Captain had little time left. Bones followed him as he got into the turbolift - he could see the determination in his eyes that had been lost since Jim had been gone.

"Spock, what's going on?" Spock did not answer. "Dammit Spock, Jim was my friend too! You tell me what's going on or so help me I'll-"

"I have reason to believe that the Captain may be alive."

Bones' eyes nearly came out of his head and hope swelled in his chest.

"What do you mean 'have reason to _believe_?'"

Spock considered lying, but he knew the doctor and Jim had a strong friendship - one that he could almost be jealous of. He looked steadily at the wall of the turbolift as he spoke.

"I...unintentionally have bonded with Jim. It is inexcusable and reprehensible but I was unaware that I had done it. However, the reason I became aware of this bond was because a have had flashes of Jim's feelings, emotions. This would be impossible if he were dead. I looked into his mind not long ago - he has managed to set up an emergency distress signal. I need all the crew at their stations."

Bones was still boggling over the _bonded _part but let it slide for now. Jim's life was on the line, and that was more important than some hobgoblin idiocy.

"Let me know what you need, Spock."

Spock nodded, and stepped out onto the bridge, crossing over to Uhura's station and scanning for communications in the sector that Jim was in. There was nothing, but then...a blip. A tiny blip - but it was enough. He opened a ship-wide frequency, trying not to let his impatience show in his voice.

"I need all crew at their stations. Lieutenant Uhura, I need you to make contact with Starfleet Command. Chekov, Sulu and Mr Scott, I need you working out a way to combat magnetic interference to allow transportation and shuttle use. We have an emergency distress coming from the planet where our Captain was lost. Spock, out."

There was a moment of silence - pure shock and then dazzling _hope_. The _Enterprise_ sprung into life, the dull grief that had permeated its air gone and replaced with determination. They _would_ find their Captain. Moments later, Admiral Adams appeared on screen.

"Admiral, I am receiving a distress signal with the signature of Jim Kirk's suit. I request permission to launch an immediate rescue operation."

The Admiral pursed his lips.

"How sure are you, Spock?"

Spock's voice did not waver. "I am almost certain."

"Very well. Permission granted, you can leave right away."

The Admiral's face vanished and Spock turned to Sulu who was at his station.

"Get us to warp 8. The Captain has been stranded for over a week, his life is hanging in the balance."

Sulu nodded, looking happier than he had in...well, just over a week. Chenkov was frantically prodding at a PADD, conferring with Mr Scott as he worked out how to manipulate the magnetic fields.

"I have done eit!" Chekov exclaimed, "Sir, I haff found a vay to allow the shuttle to operate. But I can not beam more than one person down at a time."

Spock nodded. "You have done excellently. I will beam down as close to the signal as I can. Once I have found Jim, I will communicate with the _Enterprise_. Sulu will take down a shuttle with a medical team. Inform Doctor McCoy that he will be needed."

"Reaching destination in 1 minute, Commander." The anticipation in the air was palpable. A minute passed by, much too slowly but _finally _they were there.

"Spock! The signal is stronger I have coordinates-"

"Excellent, Nyota. Send them down to the transporter pad, I shall beam down straight away."

Spock left the bridge swiftly and his gut twisted with absurd _nerves_. He almost peeked into Jim's mind again, but he didn't. He did not want to invade his privacy anymore than he already had by bonding to him unknowingly.

He suited up, strapping a phaser to his belt. Doctor McCoy handed him a bag.

"It's got water and food in it. Jim's a tough one, but even he can't fight dehydration. And don't let him drink the whole damn thing, he has to drink it slowly."

"Thank you, Doctor."

"Dammit Spock, you bring him back here in once piece."

"I fully intend to." Spock's voice was low and fierce. McCoy stepped off of the pad. "Energise."

The planet was dusty and hot and Spock was glad of the cooling systems of his suit. While he was accustomed to the heat of Vulcan, this planet was much hotter.

"_Enterprise_, do you copy?"

Nyota's voice filled his ear, "I read you Spock. The signal is coming from the west, there appears to be some kind of jungle. I'd bet that's where the Captain went."

"Acknowledged."

Spock walked briskly, plumes of red sand puffing up behind him as he headed for the location marked on the HUD of his helmet. He was getting close now, he could _feel _Jim's mind.

_Jim is alive._

Spock did not allow himself the luxury of a smile or a sigh of relief. Not until he saw Jim with his own eyes, not until Jim was sitting in his Captain's chair with another escape from death far in the distance.

He was just meters away from the jungle and while once he would have wanted to take samples, the pursuit of science was the last thing on his mind. Spock pushed through the thick foliage.

"Jim?" he called. There was no answer. He continued, and began to see signs of life. There were dying trees, holes in their trunks where the water had been drained away. Scuffed footsteps on the red dirt and scratches on the rocks - presumably to mark where he had been. Him. _Jim_. Spock kept going, and the HUD of his helmet beeped. _Beacon reached_.

Spock stopped and looked. There was a mangled pile of metal on the floor, and between two rocks...

"Jim!" Spock fumbled with the bag the doctor had given him and went to kneel by his Captain's side. "_Enterprise_, I have found the Captain. He is alive, I repeat he is alive but in need of medical attention. Sent the shuttle down _now_."

Jim looked...It hurt Spock to see him like this. In just a week he had wasted away, his ribs were protruding, his eyes sunken and a rough beard covered his jaw. He was not conscious. Spock pulled out the water pouch and lifted it desperately to Jim's lips.

"Please, Jim."

Water dribbled into his mouth. He swallowed and then coughed, his eyes flying open.

"No, don't make me leave don't make me go don't go-"

"Jim!" Spock grasped one of Jim's flailing arms and tried to calm him, "Jim it is me. It is Spock, we've found you. The _Enterprise _is here."

Jim quietened and he attempted to focus on Spock.

"Spock?"

"Yes, Jim. The shuttle will be here soon, we're going to take you back home now."

Jim let out a shuddering sigh.

"Do...do you know what a hug is, Spock?" Jim's voice was weak and Spock had to support his head as he sipped from the pouch of water.

"It is a human gesture of comfort." Spock had already deduced where this conversation was going. Jim smiled blearily up at Spock.

"I could really do with a 'human gesture of comfort' right now."

Without allowing himself to think too much, Spock dutifully wrapped his arms gently around his Captain. Jim sunk his head into Spock's chest. He was shaking, and most illogically Spock's first thought was that he was cold. Then he realised that Jim was crying. Hoarse sobs that were torn from his chest, his fists clenching Spock's shirt tightly. Spock found himself at a loss. Eventually he gingerly put one hand on Jim's hair and stroked it gently. This seemed successful as the sobbing died down and the grip on his shirt relaxed.

"You are wasting water, Jim." Spock said into Jim's hair.

Jim let out a half sob, half laugh and pulled away.

"I missed you, Spock."

Spock did not know what to say to this, but he was spared having to reply when Doctor McCoy crashed through the bushes with a medical team in tow. He dropped to his knees and began scanning Jim with a tricorder, muttering grimly to himself.

"There's only so much we can do here, we need to get him into medical _now_." Spock did not like the frantic tone to the Doctor's voice. "Spock, you're going to have to carry him _gently_. He's broken his ribs, it's a damn miracle he hasn't punctured a lung."

Spock lifted Jim, his head tucked onto Spock's shoulder. The brief spark that the water had awakened in him was dying quickly and he couldn't seem to focus. His heart was beating too slowly and Spock and the others walked as quickly as they could to the shuttle. They laid him out on the stretcher they had prepared, and McCoy wasted no time in hooking Jim up to various monitors. Jim had grabbed Spock's hand as they strapped him in and would not let go.

The shuttle shuddered into life, and Spock attempted to comfort Jim as best he could, squeezing his hand gently. It didn't take long for them to reach the _Enterprise_ with Sulu at the helm of the shuttle, and Jim's eyes had brightened slightly at the familiar sound of the shuttle docking.

"You are home, Jim." Spock murmured. Jim was staring at the ceiling.

"Home." he repeated. "_Home_."

And Jim's hand went limp, his grip on Spock's fingers loosened. There was a terrible, empty silence as the beeping of Jim's heart monitor stopped.

* * *

**AN: So yeah, that was a bit more angsty than I had intended. Please don't kill me? **


	7. Chapter 6: Flying

**Chapter Six: Flying**

**Thank you for the reviews! They just keep coming and it's lovely, they make me smile!**

**This chapter is a bit broken up, sorry! But I hope you like, and I'm sorry about all the cliffhangers ^_^**

* * *

When Jim's heart stopped for the second time, Spock almost broke down. But he didn't, he couldn't. Had to stay strong for Jim. He seemed to be the only one who ripped past any emotional serenity that Spock had and hit him in the heart, every time. Doctor McCoy waved everyone away as he pressed the pads onto Jim's chest again, jerking the Captain's body. _Nothing_. The doctor raised the voltage, and Jim's heart started again.

"Spock. _Spock_!" Spock tore his gaze from Jim, "I need you to use that damn hobgoblin bond voodoo. His body is in shock, it's no damn surprise but I can't keep reviving him without causing some real damage. You need to get in his head and get him fighting to stay alive."

Spock opened his mouth to refuse, he couldn't but then he saw the unshed tears in McCoy's eyes and realised that no one, least of all Spock himself could lose Jim again. He pressed his hand to Jim's temple and closed his eyes.

X

Jim looked around. Everywhere was white. It was like standing in the middle of a cloud, only slightly warmer and not fluffy. Just white.

_If this is heaven,_ Jim thought, _then it's really, really boring._

He hoped he wasn't dead. After everything, dying of thirst or something would be really quite depressing. Jim had let go of the dream of dying in a comfy bed of old age having had a happy life surrounded by love and family a long time ago. But still, he didn't want to die _yet_. Jim looked down and saw he was wearing a shirt and jeans. Like...like before. In his dream. If he died would he go there again? It wouldn't be so bad then. Not if he wasn't alone.

But he was alone here. Jim looked around. The utter blankness was disturbing and the beginnings of panic were crawling up his throat. Was he going to be stuck here forever? Would he go mad?

_I want to go back don't leave me-_

_Jim?_

Jim whirled around. There was a tall figure in the distance. He wanted to run to them, but there was a stabbing pain in his chest and he dropped to the floor.

_why can't I breathe help me_

_Jim, I am here._

And when Jim looked up, there he was.

_Spock? What - are you _dead_?_

_No, Jim. And neither are you._

Jim sighed with relief. _Where are we then?_

_We are in your mind._

_You mean...you're in _my _head? Can you hear what I'm thinking?_

_Only if I concentrate._

_Then do me a favour and don't concentrate alright? That's an ord- just please don't. _

_I would never look into your mind unless it was absolutely necessary. As it is now. Your body appears to have gone into shock. Doctor McCoy has attempted to revive you but-_

_Bones asked _you_ for help? I must be in bad shape. I'm not going to die again am I? I don't want to leave..._

_Jim_. _I will not let you die. But you need to do exactly as I say. You need to make your mind peaceful. Imagine somewhere that you feel safe._

Spock was expecting Jim's mind to take the shape of his Captain's quarters in the _Enterprise, _but instead it morphed into a small apartment that was unfamiliar. A wave of embarrassment radiated from Jim. Spock was curious, but didn't probe further.

_Okay, now what?_

_I...I do not know. I never studied the healing powers of telepathy in my time on Vulcan. I will do everything I can but I believe the decision to heal...to live, must be your own. _

Jim looked around him. He looked at Spock, who stood by the stove and his heart clenched. It was a life he couldn't have, a dream that was never real. And it would never have the chance to be real if he was dead. There were so many things he wanted to _do_. Places he wanted to take Spock, jokes he wanted to tell Scotty...He couldn't leave Bones, his place was on his ship. The _Enterprise_ was his to protect, along with all those who served on her. The apartment melted away and only he and Spock remained.

_Jim, take my hand._

Jim took it, and Spock pulled him back, back into life. Back into reality. Back _home_.

X

Jim was sedated for a little over five hours. In that time he had slowly been rehydrated and nutrients had been pushed back into him through tubes. His broken ribs had been reset and Bones had patched up the general scratches and injuries as best as he could. Spock had left as soon as the Captain was stable, heading for the bridge and informing the crew. There had been tears and laughter, because they had their Captain back. They had brought Jim home, and the _Enterprise _was whole again.

Bones refused to leave Jim's side, waving away any other of the medical staff that attempted to help him. He fixed up the Captain himself, even shaving off the beard while Jim slept. Before he decided he _needed _sleep, he put a folded pair of clean clothes at the side of Jim's bed, his yellow Captain's shirt on the top. As he entered his quarters, he saw Spock heading towards the medical bay and smiled to himself. He wish he could be a damn fly on the wall when Spock explained to Jim that they were _bonded_.

When Spock entered the room, his heart felt absurdly light. Jim looked - well, he still looked terrible but he looked more like the Captain that Spock knew. _His_ Captain. His _bondmate_. Spock perched on the side of the bed and resisted the urge to enter Jim's dreams. Whatever they were, Jim's face was peaceful. Instead of touching his skin, Spock ran a hand softly over Jim's hair. Jim shuffled and Spock froze, but he needn't have worried. Jim was fast asleep. Spock could feel the sleepy tranquility at the back of his mind where their bond was growing. It was so very precious to him. He had to tell Jim about it, he couldn't _lie _to him but neither could Spock deny the burning terror that Jim would not feel the same, that he would demand the bond be severed. Spock had only just understood what he felt for Jim, he could not bear to have it taken away so cruelly.

"Sp-Spock?" Jim's voice was barely a whisper. Spock removed his hand from Jim's head and placed it back in his lap. Jim looked _disappointed_? But he said nothing and Spock surmised he must have been projecting his own emotional confusion.

"Jim. I am glad to see you are looking much better." Spock tried to stop the relief from filling his voice, but failed. Jim smiled and patted Spock's leg.

"I feel much better. Thank you for finding me."

"Anytime, Jim."

Both of them fell silent. Spock knew that he had to admit to his unconscious crime, their bond but right now he simply wanted to savour the simple pleasure of being by Jim's side once more.

"Spock," Jim said, his voice becoming thick with sleep, "Stay. Please stay."

Spock quashed the delight that rose at Jim's words and got up, pulling over a chair to sit next to Jim's bed. It would not be particularly comfortable to sleep on, but Spock could not leave him.

"Whatever you need, Jim."

X

The first thing Jim saw when he woke up was Spock. He was asleep on a chair, his head bowed and his eyes shut. Kirk allowed himself to watch his First Officer looking so vulnerable (and damn cute) but was rudely interrupted by a grumble from his other side.

"Dammit Jim, don't you ever do that again." Bones' voice was gruff but he grabbed Jim in a tight hug and Jim realised how hard his 'death' must have been for his friend.

"Sorry, Bones." Jim said. His voice was a bit hoarse and he cleared his throat. He needn't have worried, Bones was looking a little teary-eyed as well. "Thanks for saving my life..._again_."

Bones glanced at the sleeping half-vulcan.

"If it wasn't for him, I would have never got the chance. He's been in a bad way since you...well. Let's just say he wasn't sleeping any better than the rest of us."

Jim raised a curious eyebrow and Bones gave him a knowing look.

"Dammit Jim, I'm not an idiot. Now, you should be alright to go back on duty in a day or two, as long as you take it easy and make sure you eat properly. I'm sure Starfleet Command will want to talk to you as well."

Jim gave a weak salute, and Bones rolled his eyes as he left the Captain and First Officer alone. They were a pair of damn fools.

Jim narrowed his eyes at Spock. He was pretty sure Spock had woken when Bones had come in, and while he was _very _good at sitting still, he was sitting a little too still.

"Spock, I know you're awake."

Spock opened his eyes and looked rather guilty.

"I apologise, Jim. That was..._unprofessional_. And very rude."

Jim chuckled, "Ah well. I suppose I'll forgive you. I think if we made a list of every time we'd been rude, I'd beat you by miles."

"Indeed, Captain." Spock's tone was full of mirth, and Jim grinned in response. His body still ached from his time on that shitty planet, but he was feeling better. And _hungry_. His stomach rumbled, and Spock raised an amused eyebrow. "If you wish to head to the mess hall, I would be pleased to accompany you, Jim."

Jim nodded vigorously and Spock carefully helped remove Jim's IV and supported him as he stood.

"I'm going to need a shower first," Jim said.

"Very well," Spock handed him the pile of clothes Bones had left out for him, "I shall wait for you in my quarters."

The pair walked to the lift, taking it to the officer's deck. Jim was jiggling with anticipation. He'd missed his room and his _bed _and his _shower_. Spock was practically radiating amusement, which was nice - but odd. Jim stayed quiet though and hobbled towards his room when the lift stopped. It was exactly as he had left it and he began stripping off before the door had even closed. He got straight in the shower and groaned as he scrubbed himself furiously all over. He'd almost forgotten how good it felt to be _clean_.

After he'd been in the shower for...he didn't know how long, there was a knock at the door.

"Jim? You have been in the shower for over an hour."

"Yeah, yeah. Give me five minutes and I'll be out."

Jim stepped out, stretching his muscles and pulling on his clothes. He ran his hands over the crisp yellow of his Captain's shirt and grinned. It was good to be home. He entered Spock's room through the shared bathroom. The half-vulcan was sitting on his bed, eyes closed. Jim assumed he was meditating. Spock opened his eyes and noticed Jim staring at him.

"Are you ready, Jim?"

Jim nodded, and they headed towards the mess hall. Jim's stomach was rumbling loudly and he pressed his hands to his stomach looking sheepish. Spock opened the door to the mess and allowed Jim to step in first. A huge cheer greeted him, as many of the crew as could fit were crammed into the mess hall. Jim glanced back at Spock, a vague blush colouring his cheeks. His First Officer gave him a nod and moved to stand at his place - at Jim's side. Bones pushed past the people and handed Jim a plate _towering_ with food.

"It's not exactly healthy, but dammit Jim I thought you might need it."

Jim looked at the pile of bacon and syrup and waffles and sausages, salivating. Spock handed him a fork and Jim began shoveling food into his mouth as fast as he could. The whole crew laughed.

"It's good to have you back, Captain!" Sulu cheered.

"Thanks guys, this is...this is great. It's good to be home." Jim glanced about as though he had suddenly remembered something, "Oi! Get back on duty you lot, we have a ship to fly!"

The crew emptied out slowly, clapping Jim on the shoulder, giving him brief hugs and expressing how it hadn't been the same without him. All through this, Jim had had to fight the heat in his cheeks. He had always loved his crew, but it was so nice to _know _that they loved him back. Eventually, it was just he and Spock. They sat down at one of the tables and Jim slowed down with his eating, savouring every mouthful. Spock watched him, waiting until he had finished before he spoke.

"Jim. There is something I must tell you."


	8. Chapter 7: Kiss

**Chapter Seven: Kiss**

**I hope you guys are ready for some FLUFF. **

* * *

While Jim had been showering, Spock had taken the opportunity to meditate. He had been unable to concentrate before, but now that Jim was home, Spock's mind was more at peace. However, he still had much to think about. A bond was formed unintentionally only when two minds sought each other out and found a perfect harmony - few vulcans ever shared such a bond. While Spock had realised that Jim was his greatest friend when he had risked his own career to save him from the volcano on Nibiru (and Jim had not even been angry with Spock, not truly), he did not realise that their minds were so compatible. He did not realise that their friendship was..._more_. Spock could not deny that Jim was physically attractive - males and females of all species seemed to find Jim aesthetically pleasing, and Spock could deny that he was no exception to this rule.

And he did respect Jim. He trusted his judgement, and his loyalty to his crew and sheer determination to beat the odds every time was inspiring. But these were not why Spock's mind had sought that of Jim's. Many of the crew of the _Enterprise _felt the same.

It was the way that Jim would always glance back to make sure that Spock was at his side, how they knew what the other would do. It was how he made Spock smile and the wit and intelligence that never ceased to amaze him, no matter how long he had known Jim. Admiral Pike had once described Jim and Spock as the heart and the mind of the _Enterprise_. It was this, the balance and harmony of their minds that had brought them together. They had both risked their lives for the other, and Spock knew that he would do it again in a second - as would Jim.

There was a word for this, this _completeness_ of two souls. Spock had never truly understood the meaning of it, how it could describe three things at once or one thing - one perfect, soul-binding truth. But he knew it now. Knew it with every fibre of his being, deep in his soul and his half-human heart.

_T'hy'la_.

Brother, friend. Lover.

_Jim._

Spock got up and called to Jim. He had to explain, had to make Jim understand what he had done, and how he could not bring himself to regret it.

X

Jim pushed away his empty plate and gave Spock his whole attention, propping his head on his fist.

"What's up, Spock?" his tone was light, but Spock could tell that the seriousness with which he had previously spoken had unnerved Jim.

_But where to begin?_

"Jim, do you know about the nature of what you would term as 'romantic' relationships concerning vulcans?"

Jim raised his eyebrows. This was definitely not what he had been expecting.

"Uuh, you get um mentally bonded or something, right? It's a weird telepathic link...thing. Uhura mentioned it to me."

Spock didn't correct Jim's terminology - he was for the sake of this discussion, correct.

"You are right, Jim. However, there are rare cases concerning..._unintentional _bonds. This is when the mind finds another mind that is perfectly match...these bonds are usually made without intention and often those in question are unaware of it."

Jim's gaze was strangely vacant.

"So, you've what? Bonded with Uhura?"

Spock blinked, "No. Uhura and I have terminated our relationship...actually before I even understood that I had bonded with another."

Jim got up and began to make a cup of dark, sweet coffee. Spock was almost glad that he did not have to see Jim face when he confessed. A selfish, cowardly thankfulness.

"So, who's the lucky girl?" Jim dumped sugar into his cup with slightly more force than was necessary.

"...It is not-" Spock found that it was impossible to explain, how could he admit what he had done? But he had to. To lie would be a betrayal to Jim.

_I bonded unintentionally with you, Jim. _Spock spoke into Jim's mind. There was a crash as the cup Jim had been holding slipped from his hands and smashed into pieces on the floor. _I did not mean to, I am sorry but when I realised it was how I knew you were alive, it was how we were able to save you-_

"Get the _FUCK _out of my head." Jim growled, his blue eyes blazing as he turned around to face Spock. "Don't you- my head is _private_. I don't want anyone poking around there, least of all _you_." the last word was said with such vehemence that Spock couldn't help the rush of guilt and sorrow flowing from his mind into Jim's.

"I am...I am sorry, Jim. It was not my intent to breach your privacy - I told you, I would never break your trust unless it was in order to save your life-"

"Well _don't_." Jim's face was pale, his hands clenched into tight fists by his side "Don't look in my head. _Ever_. Break that fucking bond or so help me I'll break your _neck_."

And he left. Spock sat perfectly still, stunned. He did not understand. He did not understand why this was so much worse to Jim than when he had entered Jim's mind before to save him. After everything he had somehow managed to lose Jim _again_. He did not realise he was crying until he let his face fall into his hands and found that his cheeks were wet.

X

Jim was pacing up and down his room. He wasn't sure _what _he was feeling, but he regretting his outburst. Sort of. He was _not _happy with Spock being able to poke around his head whenever he damn well please. And how could you bond by _accident_? He wasn't even a vulcan.

"Bullshit."

But...Spock had seemed sorry. Very guilty. Jim groaned and flopped back onto his bed. This was all so damn complicated. He knew bonds were generally a lifetime sort of thing, and commitment was _not _a word generally used in the same sentence as Jim Kirk. He'd never had a relationship that had extended anywhere beyond sex, getting drunk and more sex. His mind wandered to his dream, his dream of Spock and him. They had been more than lovers then. Maybe it had just been the damn bond but Jim had felt the confusion of Spock when his mind had chosen the shape of their apartment. He remembered when he woke up. He hadn't wanted to wake up. He'd wanted to stay with Spock, sharing a life together.

_Idiot. You are an idiot_.

Jim got up, his heart thumping in his chest and ran a hand through his hair. Considering the amount of times he had risked his life, the fact that he was so nervous (okay, terrified) about talking to Spock seemed silly. But it wasn't. Jim had always been alone really, he kept his secrets and his true feelings buried and stood alone. Yet, Jim knew even as he thought this that this wasn't right. Spock had stood by him for a lot of it.

Before he could lose his nerve, Jim went into the bathroom and opened the other door into Spock's quarters. He froze as the door hissed shut behind him. Spock was asleep, curled up on the bed and to Jim's absolute horror there were dried tears on his face. Jim made himself cross over to him, he couldn't hurt Spock like this. Spock didn't wake when Jim sat on the bed next to him.

He sat there for a long time, unsure of what to do. Jim wondered again at the whole _bond_ thing. It was a two way telepathic bond...?

While had had _no _clue as to what the hell he was doing, Jim still shut his eyes and began to think about the bond. _Now what?_

Even as he fumbled about desperately, he felt it. A warm thing, resting at the back of his mind. It was small, but it was there. Jim groped for it clumsily and then suddenly he could _feel_ Spock.

Spock was dreaming. He was dreaming of Jim dying behind the glass, of being unable to reach him, he could _never_ reach-

Jim pushed a memory at Spock's mind (_was he doing this right?_). It was his dream, his dream of them. Spock's mind radiated comfort and happiness, and the dream faded into a simple, blissful sleep. Jim drew away from Spock's mind and back into his own, opening his eyes and looking down at him. He gently touched Spock's fingers with his own.

_This is how vulcans kiss._

Jim shuffled to sit on the floor with his back against the bed, his arm twisted backwards so he could hold Spock's hand. He was, as Bones would have said, 'A damn soppy fool." Jim closed his eyes, and found that with Spock so close he fell to sleep with ease.

When Jim woke up, he knew instantly that Spock was awake too. The half-vulcan was idly stroking Jim's palm with his fingers, but Jim could feel the uncertainty in his mind through their bond. Obviously Jim entering Spock's mind had strengthened it.

"Morning, Spock." he said. He didn't really know what else to say. Jim got up, and Spock instantly let go of his hand as he rolled his shoulders and stretched his back. Sleeping sitting up was pretty uncomfortable.

"Good morning, Jim."

Could Spock feel the pangs of nervousness in Jim's stomach through their bond? He bet he could, as even as he thought this, Spock had got to his feet and tugged Jim to face him.

"How can I apolo-"

Jim wasn't good with words. So he showed Spock in the only way he could, the only way he _wanted_ by crushing his lips to Spock's and wrapping an arm around his neck. There was a jolt of surprise through the bond, and then to Jim's eternal shock, a force of unbridled _lust_. Spock slammed Jim against the nearest wall, pushing him so their bodies were moulded together. As Jim slipped his tongue into Spock's mouth the damn vulcan _moaned_, and heat went straight from Jim's face to his groin. Spock slowed the kiss, teasing and moving to take one of Jim's hands in his own.

Eventually he pulled away, and Jim nearly fell over he was so breathless. He rested his head on Spock's chest, and Spock cradled him with his arms, one hand stroking Jim's hair soothingly.

"I'm sorry I was such a dick," Jim mumbled into his shirt, "You deserve better than me."

"Jim, you are..._wrong_." Spock's voice was fierce, hoarse. "You are everything that anyone could ever want."

Jim didn't know what to say to that. This was going so fast, he didn't know where he stood but right now all that mattered was that Spock was holding him.

"We will figure everything out in time, t'hy'la." Spock whispered and kissed the top of Jim's head.

"Hey, so I tried...um. I tried a telepathic thing." Jim admitted. Spock pulled away and looked down at him with one brow quirked in a mixture of affection and curisosity.

"What did you do?"

Jim blushed. "You were having a nightmare so...I made it better. I think."

"I remember. The apartment...that was the same one that was the safe place your mind retreated to."

Jim was glad that he was shorter than Spock so he could talk to his chest rather than look at his face.

"I dreamt it. When I was...when I was dying. Before you found me, that's were I was."

"...You didn't want to wake up?" Spock's voice was a whisper.

"No," Jim realised his voice was shaking, "I wanted to stay there with you."


	9. Chapter 8: Head

**Chapter Eight: Head**

**So a lot of people pointed out a huge plot hole I had - so I've used it to ADD PLOT. Thank you for pointing out my mistake. Also, this chapter title is meant to be head as in where your brain is but I couldn't resist the pun. So there is smut in this chapter.**

* * *

While Jim wanted to just sit with Spock, he was eager to get back on duty - and that meant he was responsible for a whole ship again. He didn't have a problem with this though, in fact getting back into the routine of Captain of the _Enterprise_ was very relaxing.

"Captain, we're being hailed by Starfleet Command. Admiral Adams needs to speak to you."

"Put him through, Uhura." Uhura gave him a knowing wink as she turned back to her station, and Jim had a feeling she had guessed about he and Spock already. Damn women and their sneaky, sneaky intuition.

"Captain, I can't tell you how glad I am to see you."

Despite this, Admiral Adams did not look particularly happy. In fact, Jim would go so far as to say he looked distinctly _un_happy.

"Admiral. I'm happy to be here. How can I help?"

"I need you to bring the _Enterprise_ to Earth. The Officers of the _Enterprise_, partciuarly Commander Spock are under investigation for their actions concerning their Captain going MIA."

Jim blinked in horror.

"Admiral, I assure you-"

"Kirk, this isn't up for debate. Commander Spock should have ordered a rescue team to sweep the planet. We don't just leave men behind. I expect you in one day. Adams, out."

The bridge was silent. Uhura looked pale, and Sulu looked as though he wasn't sure to be worried or insulted. Jim felt the same. _Every _Officer? That meant Scotty, Bones, Uhura, Sulu and _Spock _- Spock was the focus of the investigation, that much had been made clear. Jim rubbed his hands over his face.

"Okay. Uhura, set up a briefing with all the Officers in six hours. I'm going to have to explain this to everyone, but until then _none _of you will repeat what just happened." Jim swept his gaze over the bridge, "Got that?"

There were nods and 'yessirs'. Jim sighed. He really could do _without_ this. While it would be nice to get back to Earth, why was it always under crappy circumstances? And how was he going to explain this to Spock? That was if Spock hadn't been listening through their bond - but Jim was sure his outburst meant Spock was being very careful.

_Spock?_ Jim had no idea if he was getting the hang of this telepathic shit, but there was only a brief pause until his First Officer answered.

_Jim, are you alright? _Spock was getting the waves of worry through their bond and Jim pushed the emotion away.

_I'm fine. Where are you?_

_I am in the Science Labs assisting with an experiment._

_I need to...just meet me in my quarters when you're done._

Jim turned away from staring blankly out into space and got into the lift. As soon as the door shut he slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor. He had always known that he, as a young Captain with a young crew would be under more scrutiny than those on any other ship. But it still wasn't fair - how many times would he and his crew have to prove themselves before they would be let alone? How many lives would he and his crew have to save until they were deemed worthy enough to serve on the _Enterprise_?

The lift stopped and Jim got out, and as soon as he got into his quarters he flopped face first onto his bed. It was uncomfortably warm, and he couldn't be bothered to move so he lay there, groaning irritably to himself. He knew even before the door opened that Spock was there.

"Jim...what are you doing?"

Jim made a muffled _hmph_ noise into his duvet. He could _feel_ Spock raising a single eyebrow. Then came the sound of feet on carpet and the mattress dipped as Spock sat next him. He hesitantly placed a hand on Jim's back - after Jim's initial reaction to their bond, he had become increasingly unsure how to act around him. He could feel a tiny amount of comfort and pleasure seeping through the bond at his touch, and so Spock began to rub gentle circles on Jim's back. After a while, his Captain rolled over.

"Hey, Spock."

"Jim. You sounded..._odd_ when you communicated with me earlier. Is there something I can help with?"

Jim sat up and stared at Spock for a moment. He was so damn _nice_, wanting to help and Jim didn't want to hurt him with the news. Without trying to dance around the issue, Jim sucked in a steadying breath and just said it simply.

"We have to go to Earth - All the Officers on the _Enterprise_ except me are under investigation...they're...shit Spock, the investigation is mainly on you."

Spock stayed silent, but his expression had gone blank.

"I _won't_ let them take you away. None of my crew are going _anywhere_." Jim growled, his hands clenching into fists. Starfleet would rue the day they dared to _fuck _with his crew.

Spock took Jim's hand in his own.

"I believe you, Jim."

Jim smiled, but it was strained. He leaned forwards and rested his head in the curve of Spock's neck. His breath was hot against Spock's skin and he had to try very hard not to allow Jim to feel the growing lust that was pooling in his gut as Jim pressed his lips to his throat.

"I'm so _tired_ of worrying all the time."

Spock didn't know what to say to that. He was aware that in times of stress humans often had different ways of comforting each other. Often hugs, but between couples sexual contact was also used to relieve stress. Spock was not quite sure why this particular fact had popped into his mind. He tried very hard not to think about it. But as another wave of distress and tension filtered through their bond, Spock could almost not even help the words that spilled out of his mouth.

"Jim, would you like me to offer you some kind of sexual comfort?"

Jim jerked back, his blue eyes wide and his mouth open in shock.

"Would I like you to _what_ now?"

Spock's ears flushed green and he looked at his hands, clasping them in his lap.

"Spock, repeat what you just said."

Spock stared very intently at his hands.

"You _know_ what I just said. I do not see the purpose in repeating myself."

Jim grabbed Spock's chin and pulled it up so Spock had no choice but to look into his eyes. The green flush crept up to his cheeks. He wished Jim would stop making him feel so _vulnerable_. Jim dropped his hand, almost apologetically.

"I keep forgetting you're new to this. Vulcans don't do anything...'_sexual_'-" Jim made air quotes with his fingers "with anyone but bond-mates, do they?"

Spock shook his head mutely. Jim appeared to be having some kind of internal struggle. Spock wish he had not said anything, but it was then that he looked at Jim properly. His Captain's face had more lines than when they had first met, and the worry of losing his crew was etched in every one of those lines. He leant forwards and pressed his lips to Jim's in a gentle kiss. Jim opened his mouth and sighed as Spock's tongue flicked inside. Jim's arms wrapped tightly around Spock's waist with a kind of desperation that made Spock both sad and yet longing for more. He pushed Jim back onto the bed pinning his wrists and kissing him. Jim groaned as Spock straddled him, his lips moving from Jim's lips to his ears and his neck. Spock moved one hand from Jim's wrist and used to to tear off his shirt, revealing Jim's tanned chest. Jim's heart was hammering fast, Spock could hear it and he kissed the skin under which it beat. His Captain had lost a lot of weight, and there were scars dotted all over his skin. Spock kissed each of them, licking lines across the pinker skin as though he could heal them. He moved his hands to Jim's hips. Jim was panting heavily, eyes glazing over with lust as Spock kissed his way from his chest to his stomach, and pausing at the waistband of Jim's trousers.

"_Spock_..." Jim breathed, his voice hoarse. Whatever he was about to say was forgotten as with a single-minded determination, Spock undid his belt and zipper, tugging his trousers off and discarding them on the floor. Jim's lips were parted, eyes wide as Spock kissed him through the thin fabric of his boxers. He tangled his hands in Spock's hair with a moan that was almost inaudible. Spock took this as an indication to continue and dragged off Jim's boxers with his teeth.

Jim shivered under Spock's hands and bit his lip to stop the moans escaping his lips. While Spock was not aware of this _yet_, Jim was a rather..._vocal_ lover. However, as Spock's lips ghosted over the sensitive skin, Jim could not help bucking his hips and groaning loudly. He slapped a hand over his own mouth, and Spock's eyes burned with a desire that Jim had no idea could _exist_ in the mind of a vulcan. Well, half vulcan.

Jim had thought that maybe Spock had changed his mind, when suddenly a hot mouth engulfed him and he almost ripped the sheets in his haste to grab onto something. Spock _hummed_ his approval and the vibrations made Jim's eyes roll back into his head. For someone who had only ever had one _girlfriend_, Spock was proving to be rather adept at sucking Jim's-

"_Shit_, Spock!" Jim grabbed Spock's head, his fingers tugging painfully at his hair, "Don't you _dare-_stop-"

Spock had no intentions of stopping and moved one hand to grip Jim's hips tightly. He was worried he had hurt Jim but when he attempted to move that hand, Jim's other hand slapped on top of it insistently. He grabbed Spock's hand into a vulcan kiss, and this made the little self control that Spock still possessed vanish. The shields he had built to restrict their bond melted away, and all of his lust towards Jim filled his lover's head - and vice versa. Spock moaned loudly, and he would have been embarrassed had the sound not prompted a wave of desire so strong form Jim's mind that Spock was almost dizzy with it. Jim began to wriggle under Spock, and he realised that Jim was probably attempting to move out of his mouth before he _came_. Spock used his vulcan strength to hold Jim down, aware that he was holding his thighs so tightly that they would bruise.

Spock was not aware that his Captain could yell _quite_ so loudly.

Jim lay there, spent and panting. He seemed in a state of shock, shivering as Spock moved from his groin and pressed a kiss on his lips. Jim made a face.

"Ew."

Spock smiled to himself and kissed Jim more insistently.

"No-mf-Spock I just-mmpphh-came in your mouth-"

Jim twisted his legs around Spock's waist and gave up, returning the kiss. Spock ran his hands through Jim's golden hair and moved so he could gather Jim into his arms.

"I hope that has made you feel better." he said warmly. Jim laughed and tugged his boxers back up.

"You sure you've never done that before? You're _very_ good at it."

"No, Jim. You are the first."

The words were said so seriously that they made Jim's heart ache, and his kissed Spock's jaw gently.

"Want me to return the favour?" Jim winked, moving his hand to trail down Spock's stomach.

"_No_, Jim. You are technically still on duty."

Jim pouted and instead gave Spock a vulcan kiss.

"That I am. Thank you, Spock. Really. That was quite...ah shit, that was mind blowing." He got up and looked at his ripped shirt with amusement, "Though I'm going to be distracted for the rest of my shift now."

"You have always proven to be adept at multitasking, Jim."

Jim burst out laughing and pulled on a new shirt, pulling up his trousers and pressing a warm kiss to Spock's lips.

"You have _no _idea."

X

Predictably Jim had been distracted for a lot of his shift. But after he had managed to process what had just _happened_ (who knew vulcans had no gag reflex?) he was back to the whole _bond-mates_ thing. It was a lifelong commitment, and he wasn't sure how to even go about something like that. He had to talk to someone who wasn't _Spock_ and so as soon as his shift had ended, Jim headed to medical and flopped on the bed.

"Dammit, Jim. I'm a doctor not a therapist."

"What about relationship counselor?"

Bones rolled his eyes.

"Spock told you then? What's the problem, you've had a girly crush on that damn hobgoblin for long enough."

Jim blushed.

"That's not the _point_. Shit, Bones it doesn't sound like something I can just walk away from - _ever_. It's a lifetime sort of thing - what if I'm not cut out for that? All I'll do is hurt him and-"

Bones grabbed Jim's shoulders and looked him dead in the eye.

"You won't. Dammit Jim, as much as I hate to say it that damn vulcan has been one of the best things to happen to you, and the pair of you make one hell of a team. And yeah, it's not going to be easy. But are you just going to give up because of something that _might_ happen? You've taken enough damn risks for your crew, for Starfleet. Take a risk on something for yourself for a change."

Jim nodded.

"I hope you're right, Bones."

"Dammit man, when have I been wrong?"

Jim opened his mouth to point out that time in the Academy when Bones had insisted that Jim _couldn't_ be allergic to the most common painkiller on Earth and then he'd ended up in hospital, but Bones gave him such a glare that Jim simply smiled angelically at him.

"Thanks."

"Anytime, Jim. Now get off the damn bed, this is a medical bay not a hotel."

X

Spock stood in front of the screen with his hands clasped behind his back. His father's face was on the display, and while vulcans did not show emotions, Spock could tell that he was not pleased.

"I was right? You have bonded with a _human_? A _male_ human?"

"That is correct. I have unintentionally bonded with Jim Kirk."

"Are you going to have the bond severed?"

Spock could not help the shock that flashed across his face. The thought of severing an bond made involuntarily was unheard of. A connection of that kind was thought to be kin to the human idea of soul-mates and was highly regarded in vulcan society.

"_No_. I had not even considered doing such a thing."

"And what about your Captain? What does he think?"

Spock was not actually sure how Jim really felt about the whole thing, but he would not allow his bondmate to be belittled by his father.

"We have not had time to discuss the implications in detail. However, what we have spoken of has informed me enough to tell that my _feelings_ for him are reciprocated."

Sarek raised an eyebrow.

"And what about children? The vulcan race-"

"Father, you know as well as I that is not an issue. Jim and I would be able to have a child birthed from both of our genetic material with the help of a woman to carry the child."

"And what does _he_ think about children? He has a reputation, Spock and while I understand you-"

"No, you do _not_ understand. I have no wish to discuss this further."

Spock terminated the call and sat down on the floor. He should have spoken to Jim about this, should have worked out whether Jim really wanted this - would he even want a family with Spock? Did Jim want _children_?

Did he _love_ Spock?


	10. Chapter 9: Heart

**Chapter Nine: Heart**

**Beware! Here be smut. Also, there is plot. (Shocking, I know.)**

**Thank you all for the amazing reviews!**

* * *

The _Enterprise_ docked at the station early, and the crew disembarked quietly. While usually the prospect of shore leave would ensure a smile on everyone's face, the crew of the _Enterprise_ landed on Earth with almost identical expressions of nervousness and anger. The prospect of an investigation had them all nervous, and nothing Jim could say would change that. He'd fight for them though he'd be damned if he'd let them take his crew from him.

Jim stayed in his chair as the crew left. He _knew_ what he was going to do. And it would probably end up with his career in the gutter and never being able to see his ship again. He ran his hands over the arms of his chair and sighed. He didn't realise he wasn't alone, so distracted by his thoughts that he didn't hear the lift reaching the bridge.

"Jim."

Jim held out his hand as Spock moved to his side, gripping his First Officer's hand tightly. He couldn't tell Spock his plan of course. There was no way he'd let Jim do it. So for now Jim simply enjoyed the feel of Spock's warm palm against his.

"Hey, Spock. Shouldn't you be off getting a room?"

"I...I have something I want to show you." Spock spoke softly, unsure.

Jim stood up, taking a look around the bridge, memorizing every detail. Just in case. If Spock thought his behavior was odd, he didn't say anything and simply led Jim off of the ship. As they went outside, Spock let go of Jim's hand and they walked side by side. As if they were just co-workers, not lovers. Jim pushed away the pang of doubt in his chest and resolved to talk to Spock about it later. He didn't know what they were _doing_.

It was a beautiful day, and for a moment Jim allowed himself to think of nothing else but how good it felt to have his feet on the ground again. He loved space, but sometimes Earth called to him, a familiar home in a galaxy of strange and bizarre planets and people.

Spock took Jim to a small yet posh district of apartments, swiping a card through the lift and stepping inside. He had taken Jim's hand into his again, and Jim rubbed his thumb against Spock's palm without thinking. Spock's skin tingled at the touch, but he did not to move away. He wondered if Jim knew what he was doing - he deduced that he probably did. Jim was many things, but stupid was not one of them.

The lift reached the tenth floor and they stepped out. Spock ran the card over a door and pushed Jim inside first, his heart thudding nervously. Jim stood in the room with an expression of wonder on his face. He looked at the little kitchen, the stone floor. He turned to the bedroom and saw the large windows, the soft bed and the adjoining bathroom.

"It's like...wow. _Spock_." his eyes were shining.

"It is like the one you dreamt of, yes. Is it to your satisfaction, Jim? I wanted to do something for...for you."

Jim threw himself at Spock, kissing him hard.

"It's perfect. Now, let me _thank_ you." Jim's voice was husky, and Spock allowed himself to be led into the bedroom where Jim pushed him onto the bed and crawled into his lap, kissing Spock hungrily. Spock dug his fingers into Jim's hair, and he sighed at the touch.

He could not think of a better life than this. Jim hummed and moaned with pleasure, and Spock was thankful that he was so..._loud_ in expressing his satisfaction. Each noise he made sent a shock straight to Spock's groin and the kisses got heated. Jim pulled off Spock's shirt, running his hands up his back and leaving dark scratches. Spock kissed him to show his approval, and somehow they were suddenly lying stark naked on the bed. Spock was glad to see that Jim was looking even healthier, and kissed his collarbone affectionally. Jim trembled under the gentleness of his touch, and nipped the tip of Spock's finger.

"One minute."

Spock watched Jim as he got off of the bed.

"Now _stay_." Jim winked and disappeared into the tiny kitchen. Spock was beginning to get impatient, but eventually Jim returned...with a bowl of strawberries, and a bowl of thick, dark, melted chocolate. He grinned at Spock and placed them by the bed, dipping a strawberry and eating it himself. Spock watched, his face unreadable.

"Jim..."

Jim straddled Spock, the friction effectively silencing him and then reached for another strawberry. He coated it in chocolate and pressed it to Spock's lips. He looked a little exasperated but ate it the same, his tongue flicking at Jim's fingertips to lick off the excess chocolate. Jim shivered with pleasure and leant forwards to kiss him. Spock moaned quietly as Jim made his way to Spock's neck, moving to lick and nibble the tip of Spock's ears. Spock arched his back and swore under his breath in vulcan.

"I'm assuming you're a _tad _sensitive there." Jim's breath was hot against Spock's jaw. Spock swallowed, his eyes smoldering with want.

"You are correc-"

Jim nipped him a little harder and reached for another strawberry. Chocolate dripped onto Spock's chest and Jim eagerly licked it up.

"Jim, I believe you are being a _tease_." Spock's voice was low and it sent another delicious shiver down Jim's spine.

"What would make you say that-"

Spock wrapped his legs around Jim's hips and twisted, flipping them over so he was now on top of him. The sight of his Captain squirming under him was undeniably..._fascinating_. He grabbed a strawberry, but Jim _wiggled_ insistently and the bowl of chocolate tipped, slopping all over Jim's torso. He froze as Spock turned his dark eyes to his.

"Sorry, I didn't _oh shit_..."

Spock began to lick the chocolate from Jim's hips, swirling hot patterns with his tongue. Jim was torn between pleasure and wondering how much chocolate would get Spock _drunk_. Bad, naughty thoughts. As Spock slowly and carefully licked every drop of chocolate from Jim, he couldn't help glancing at the drawer by the bed. He had been shocked and rather intrigued when he had looked inside it and found that Jim had procured a bottle of lubricant. He knew enough about humans and sex and _Jim _to know what it was for. He licked his way up Jim's ribs, his hands caressing Jim's hips in a way that he know drove his Captain insane. _His _Captain. His Jim. Without pausing to think whether it was the chocolate or his own lust for Jim or if he was just going mental, Spock moved one hand and pushed two fingers inside of of Jim.

"Holy _fuck_, Spock!" Jim jerked upright but Spock held him down, his own body pulsing with lust as Jim twitched and shuddered in pleasure underneath him. He licked the last of the chocolate from Jim's jaw and plucked another strawberry from the bowl, pressing it to Jim's mouth. He took it, sucking Spock's fingers as he did so and making the vulcan moan. Something flared in Jim's eyes and with surprising strength, he flung Spock so he was on top of him _again_. He reached over to the drawer, and Spock's eyes widened.

"Only if you want me to," Jim breathed, kissing him on the nose and over his cheeks. Spock was touched by Jim's concern and after a moment, he nodded. He didn't think he was capable of speech.

When Jim pushed inside him, he wondered how it was possible to feel such pure and absolute _desire_. It seemed impossible that he could feel more lust and arousal than he did now. However, Jim stayed very still.

"Jim...you are being a _tease._" Spock panted, reaching to press his hand to Jim's face and make Jim feel what _he _felt. It had the desired effect, as his blue eyes blazed hungrily and he thrust into Spock. Spock's mouth opened in shock, his hands grasping Jim's hips so hard that they began to bruise. This only seemed to spur Jim on as he increased the pace until Spock was sure he was about to completely _lose control..._

Jim stopped again, and Spock swore in vulcan, his body trembling. He wanted _more_. Jim moaned as Spock's want roared through their bond and filling his mind so he couldn't think of anything else. Spock was breathing heavily, his brown eyes wide with a mixture of bewilderment and burning lust. Jim slid out of him, and Spock let out something that could have been a whimper.

"Flip over." Jim ordered, pressing a kiss to Spock's chest. The vulcan raised an eyebrow. "Spock, do it or I'll stop."

He moved so fast it was almost funny.

Jim kissed and licked his way down the curve of Spock's spine, pressing his hands on Spock's back and thrusting into him again, hard. Jim didn't give him a chance to recover, pushing him down into the bed and willing every bit of desire and want he felt for Spock rush through their bond. Spock groaned so loudly that Jim was infinitely glad that they weren't on the _Enterprise_. He gripped Spock's hips, reaching for him and this was the last straw as Spock let out a moan so beautiful that Jim was sure it was illegal and shuddered as the orgasm ripped through them both - he was _very_ glad of the bond for that. Spock collapsed face first into the bed as Jim pulled out of him and flopped over.

"I am becoming very fond of strawberries," Spock said wryly, and allowed Jim to pull him so his head was resting on Jim's chest.

"I can tell." Jim grinned and stroked the curve of Spock's ear, "I love your ears." He tugged at the tip insistently. "I bet I'd look good with pointy ears."

Spock couldn't help smiling at the mental image and reached to hold Jim's hand. They lay like that for a long time, Spock listening to the comforting beat of Jim's heart.

X

Spock had cooked Jim's breakfast, as he had in the dream. They had spent the morning together and Jim had shown him some fascinating uses of syrup. Jim was now lying stark naked on the bed, snoring gently. Spock pressed a kiss to his temple and pulled on his dress uniform, an uncontrollable feeling of dread curling in his stomach. All of the crew had been given times to report to the Admirals - unknown to Jim. It was to be a private investigation, out of the eyes of the media. Spock could not help feeling that this did not bode well - especially not for him. He had already decided to take as much of the blame as he could. After all, he had been the senior officer and he could not let any of the crew take the fall for his mistake. He should have searched for Jim, but he had been in absolute shock and despair. Emotionally comprised. A reoccurring theme in his life when it came to his Captain.

While Spock knew what was likely to happen, it did not make any easier when Admiral Adams said the words out loud. He was standing in the Admiral's office, unable to appreciate the stunning view of the city from the panoramic windows. Unable to look at anything other that than Admiral's face in the vain hope that he was wrong.

"Commander Spock. We are considering stripping you of your rank and expelling you from Starfleet."

Spock wondered if this was _procedure_ or simply because he had nearly left the golden boy of Starfleet to die. He decided it was most likely the latter, and kept his face impassive. He could not deny what he had done. He couldn't pretend he did not feel guilt for the fact that if he had not reached Jim when he had, he would be dead.

"I understand, Admiral. I would implore you to allow me to face this punishment alone. I was Acting Captain, and it was my mistake. The other Officers of the crew were looking up to me to guide them in a time of crisis, and I failed them. They should not be made to suffer for a mistake that was mine alone."

The Admiral clasped his hands together.

"I was hoping you'd say that. It makes things a lot simpler. Short investigation, not so much paperwork."

Spock wondered if Jim would miss him.

"I hereby strip you of your rank as First Officer on the _Enterprise_, your position as Science Officer and you are expelled from Starfleet. I shall recommend you be transported to the new vulcan colony to assist with rebuilding your race. Dismissed, Mr Spock."

Spock left.


	11. Chapter 10: Glass

**Chapter Ten: Glass**

**Loving the reviews, keep them coming! This is a shorter chapter than usual, but you'll see why. Also you should listen to Over the Love - Florence and the Machine while reading it.**

* * *

Spock had decided not to tell Jim what had occurred until a more opportune moment. Jim had relaxed considerably since their arrival on Earth, and remained unaware of Spock's inner turmoil. Spock shielded these emotions from their bond - to protect him. Spock knew that Jim needed some time to relax, and explaining that he had taken the fall for the abandonment of regulations would not be conducive to this. At least, this was what he told himself.

They wasted the days away together - and Spock wished desperately that he could properly enjoy the time they had together while they still had that _time_. He was particularly quiet one evening, and though Jim didn't want to pry, he was obviously unhappy with Spock's quietness.

"I have an idea." he said from his position, flopped over the sofa. Spock was sitting in the chair opposite, reading a PADD. Spock looked up.

"Am I going to like it?"

"When have you _ever _not liked one of my ideas?" Jim held a hand to his chest as though Spock's words had physically wounded hum. Spock raised an eyebrow. "No wait, don't answer that."

"What is your idea, Jim?"

"We should go on a _date_." Jim announced triumphantly.

"I thought we were keeping our relationship..._private_."

Jim's face fell and he rolled his eyes. He let out a huff and rested a hand over his face.

"Yes, well. I'm not ashamed of you, and it's not against regulations. I checked. Though I am supposed to tell Bones if I'm planning a 'sexual liaison with another species' but I'm pretty sure he knows anyway. It'll be nice! We can go out to a fancy restaurant and then maybe check out those history museums that have opened up."

Spock was silent as he considered the idea. He appreciated Jim's gesture, but he was still nervous about being in public. Jim was a celebrity in Starfleet, and he couldn't go anywhere on a Federation planet without being recognised. Spock's father had already shown his disapproval of their relationship - what would other vulcans think? What would the media say about _Jim_?

"Fine. Forget it." Jim muttered, "I'm having a shower."

"Jim, wait - I would like to go a 'date' with you."

Jim's face changed instantly, a grin lighting up his face.

"Really?! Yes! Thank you, this will be amazing you'll see. I've uh...already booked a table. It's in about an hour so we should probably get ready."

He jumped up and kissed Spock lightly on the lips before half _skipping_ into the bedroom and fumbling about for something to wear. Spock smiled slightly. Humans were fascinating, and Jim more than most. He briefly considered 'helping' Jim change, but that would undoubtedly make them late for their reservation. Because of this, Spock waited until Jim strode back into the room in a _suit _before he went to change. His mouth was suddenly dry as Jim crossed the room and kissed him warmly.

"Jim you look...I believe an appropriate description would be _delicious_."

The look in Spock's eyes sent a shiver down Jim's spine and he was even more glad he'd decided to wear a suit. His hand creeped up to Jim's tie, tugging him into a rough kiss. Jim slipped his hands under Spock's shirt, caressing his soft skin, running his fingers down his spine...

Spock pulled away with an expression of amusement.

"I think I should possibly change by myself, otherwise we will definitely be late."

Jim chuckled and ran a hand through his hair, his cheeks flushing slightly. "You're probably right. I'll call for a taxi. Don't be too long."

X

Jim would have to remember to thank Uhura for the restaurant recommendation - it was _beautiful_. A mix of old and new, with a menu that catered to some alien species Jim had barely heard of, it was the perfect place for their first date. The most distracting thing was _Spock_ himself, who Jim had never seen in human formalwear before but was thinking that it was something to definitely be repeated. They had ended up being half an hour late, as Jim couldn't help himself and Spock wasn't exactly _protesting_. But he was James Tiberius Kirk, and so the restaurant allowed them to keep their reservation. So far they hadn't got many funny looks. Jim was hoping it would stay that way.

He held Spock's hand on the table with a grin.

"I think we should do this more often, Spock."

Spock's face shifted slightly and he looked away, and Jim opened his mouth to ask what was wrong but at that moment a waitress came over.

"What can I get for you - oh! It's _you_." Jim winced as he looked up. While he didn't remember her name or when they'd met, he knew what she looked like with um, no clothes on. Quite well. Spock's face darkened and his grip on Jim's hand became painful. "I remember you! Hey, if you get bored of your new playmate, come down here and give _me_ a call..."

Spock almost broke Jim's hand.

"_Ow!_ And thanks for the offer but I don't think I'll ever get bored with Spock." Jim tried to give Spock a comforting smile, but Spock's eyes were black and Jim realised it probably hadn't helped any. The waitress pouted.

"Awh, shame. Kendra was telling me that you, her and an _Orion_ had a pretty good time after you came back a hero...a threesome with the man who saved Earth from Nero sounds pretty exciting to me!" She winked.

Spock told her his order, almost _growling_ at her. Jim found he had lost his appetite somewhat and ordered a salad. This usually would have been enough for Spock to be concerned, but he had placed both hands in his lap and was examining the table.

"I uh...sorry about that." Jim murmured. "It might happen more often on Earth, I was...well. I got around-"

"I am aware of the frequency of your sexual relations and the promiscuous reputation that is associated with your name." Spock snapped.

Jim blinked in surprise at the venom in Spock's voice.

"Shit, I am sorry but there's not exactly anything I can do about it is there? You _know_ what I used to be like, so it's a little unfair to-"

"I was unaware that we would be encountering one of your previous conquests at every turn. Apparently the rumors concerning you were more accurate than I had previously anticipated."

Jim didn't reply. Spock's words _hurt_, but there wasn't anything he could say to dispute him. He was right, Jim had been a slut but it was his way of coping with the loneliness. Not that he could ever admit this out loud...not even to Spock.

"Look, maybe we should just stop whatever the _hell _it is we're doing and stay friends until you can get to grips with the fact that I slept around?" Jim said through gritted teeth. He was hoping for some kind of reaction from Spock, yes. He was hoping it wouldn't be Spock standing up and walking out of the restaurant.

"Awh, _fuck_." Jim shuffled out of his seat and followed him. Spock was waiting outside, his face blank. This annoyed Jim and he looked up at him with clenched fists.

"I have no interest in pursuing a _friendship _with you Jim, but neither can I simply ignore your past promiscuity."

"What?" Jim could feel his hands shaking, "What are you saying?"

His communicator buzzed, and Jim flipped it open impatiently.

_What the fuck._

When Jim spoke, his voice was low and full of anger and hurt.

"Why the hell have I got transfer orders for a new _fucking _First Officer? 'Mr Spock has been removed from his post at Starfleet due to his actions regarding his Captain becoming missing in action-' Just exactly when were you going to tell me this?!" Jim's voice had risen to a shout and he was cursing the few inches shorter he was compared to Spock. Spock's reply was cold and emotionless.

"I deduced that this course of action was the only right one to take, or risk the rest of the crew being punished."

"And what about _me_? What about asking me what I thought? _Fuck_, Spock. Do you actually want to be with me at all? Because it sure doesn't feel like it. What are we even doing? I don't actually know how you even _feel_ because you don't fucking _talk _to me about anything important! Are you actually _capable _of feeling anything?"

Spock lunged before either of them had time to think. His hands were rough against Jim's chest as he shoved Jim backwards, which by itself would have knocked him to the floor. As it was, the mixture of anger and vulcan strength meant that Jim flew back several feet. He flew through a glass window that shattered and then into a _solid_ wall. There was a _crack_ and Jim moaned in pain, cradling one arm in his lap as he slumped to the floor. Spock looked at him with absolute horror and then he left.

He _left_.

He's gone.

Jim sat there in shock. He was sure his shoulder was dislocated and his arm was broken and pointing at a funny angle and the back of his head was thick with blood where it had hit the wall but what hurt was his heart. There were tiny cuts from the glass on his arms that stung but his heart _ached. _He reached blindly in his mind for their bond, desperately but there was an impenetrable wall between his mind and Spock's.

Spock had _left him_.

Jim wondered why he was surprised. Everyone left him. Everybody walked away at some point. _I thought he was different_.

Jim picked up his communicator, ignoring the thick, wet blood that was dribbling down his neck from his head.

"Bones," he half sobbed down it, "Come and get me." He didn't hear an answer, because he let the sweet black oblivion of unconsciousness pull him under. He wondered if it would be so bad to stay in the darkness forever.

_He doesn't want me._

X

When Jim woke up, his arm was in a cast, his head bandaged and Bones was sitting next to him. He didn't say anything, but simply passed over a bottle of whiskey. Jim took it and took a long swig.

"Why do they always leave me, Bones?" Jim asked in a broken voice. "I thought _this time_-" he broke off as he fought back tears and had another mouthful of whisky.

"The _Enterprise_ isn't going anywhere. And neither am I. Dammit Jim, I know it's not what you want or need but it's what you've got."

Jim wiped the tears from his cheeks and dropped his head into his hands.

"It's better than nothing." he said quietly. Because although it wouldn't be enough, could never be enough now that he had once had Spock, it was better than being alone.


	12. Chapter 11: Friend

**Chapter Eleven: Friend**

**Um. So before you get excited about there being two chapters in one day...yeah. Angst ahead.**

* * *

When Jim woke up he was aching and hungover. He had been surprised that Bones would offer him alcohol when he had a head injury of all things, but he had needed it. His mind replayed the events of the night before and Jim lurched across the room to throw up in Bones' sink. Bones' apartment was small but comfortable, and Jim had slept on his sofa more than once. Bones didn't appear to be home though. There was a message waiting saying he'd gone to help out at a children's hospital. Jim smiled, _good old Bones_.

He mechanically begun his morning routine, getting into the shower and pulling on the clean shirt and jeans Bones had left out for him. They had lived like this when they had been at the Academy together. Before Jim Kirk was a name that everyone knew, before he had even met Spock. Even thinking his name sent a spasm of pain through Jim's chest, and he resolutely pushed it away. He pulled on the clothes (they even smelt like Bones' washing powder) and rubbed his stubbled jaw.

He took in a deep breath, but it didn't calm the frantic beating of his heart. He was going to go to the apartment Spock had rented and see if he was there, _please be there_. Jim could understand Spock's drive to save the rest of the crew, but the fact that he had never said anything really hurt. He couldn't imagine the _Enterprise_ without Spock as his First Officer. It wouldn't be right. He tentatively touched the back of his head - his fingers didn't come away bloody, so he assumed that was a good sign. Setting his shoulders, he left the apartment and walked to where he and Spock's was. It was an hour long walk, but the weather was warm and a cool breeze drifted along the roads. Jim refused to let himself think too hard. It wasn't a problem he could solve on his own. Tentatively he reached for Spock through their bond but there was nothing. Just Spock's shield separating them. He choked back a sob, pressed his hands to his face and then carried on walking.

He knew before he even entered the room that Spock wasn't there. Still, Jim checked the kitchen and the bathroom and the bedroom, scouring every surface in case he had left him a note. But he hadn't.

_Spock had left him._

Jim sat on the edge of the bed, _their _bed and tried to forget the moments that had been stolen between the sheets. He wished they had actually talked to each other, he wished he had told Spock he fucking well _loved_ him. He wished Spock had told him about taking the fall.

_I wish you were here._

Jim wished he had some alcohol. When his communicator buzzed he fumbled for it.

"Hello?" he breathed desperately.

"James? That you?"

Jim held the communicator away from his face in order to look at it disbelievingly.

"_Mom_?"

"Yes, honey. It's me. Are you alright? I heard some rumours about you and...well, there was an article saying your First Officer attacked you last night?"

Jim resisted the urge to smack his head against the wall. He probably could do without another head injury.

"I'm fine." he hated that his voice broke on the last word.

"James, I may not have been the best mother but I do _know_ you. And I know you're not fine, and I want to help. I'm around anyway, how about we meet in a nice little cafe and you can tell me everything."

Jim sighed. He hadn't seen his mother for a long time. Her losing his father had, for want of a better description, fucked her up. She often had hysterical moments, and Jim could still remember the sting of her slaps when she had an episode. But it had been a long time - a long time since they'd seen each other, and even longer since she'd broken down like that. And it was his mum, and even though she had hurt him, blood was a tie that you couldn't ignore. Jim found that he didn't want to ignore it.

"Yeah, sure. Tell me where to meet you."

X

Winona Kirk looked as she always had. Her blonde hair was now streaked with grey and pulled into a wispy bun, but there was a smile on her lips that soothed Jim's soul. As he walked into the small cafe, she immediately hugged him. He was taken aback by how frail she felt against him, but he ducked down and breathed in her familiar scent. It was of home - a home he had left long ago, but still. It had been home _once_.

They sat down, and Winona ordered a tea. Jim ordered a black coffee. She touched his cast arm tentatively.

"Are you alright, James? Really. And I don't mean your arm, or your head. I mean _you_. Your..." she swallowed, looking frightened as she always did when she looked into her son's blue, blue eyes. George's eyes. "Your eyes look sad."

Jim smiled, and it was a real smile because she had looked him into the eyes and it was okay. She held his hand in both of hers, and they were _okay_.

"I'm...I suppose. Me and Spock, he's my First Officer...well. We were _together_. Only recently, he 'bonded' with me by accident which is like soul-mates I think, but then he got into trouble and I don't really know how he feels because we don't really _talk_ and we argued and now-"

"He left." she said. Jim nodded and reached for his coffee, sipping it and then adding several sachets of sugar. Winona watched with a small, sad smile.

"I had a soul-mate. Oh, I know I'm with Frank now and he's a darling but there was no one else for me in the universe but your father, not really. And this man, this Spock...he obviously cares. I've seen you two on the news, and I'm not blind." she winked, "There's been something there for a while. James, don't...don't let him go. You're a fighter, a survivor and you never give up when it comes to being a Captain or that ship of yours. Don't let him go without a fight either...I didn't get the chance to keep my soulmate, but you _could_."

Jim blinked back tears of amazement and squeezed his mum's hands tightly.

"Dammit, mom. You're right, of course you're right."

Winona chuckled. It was good to see her James again. He'd grown up so fast, and it had been her own fault and he had deserved better. But he had fought, and he was a Captain, a man and a son that she would always be proud of and grateful to have.

The conversation turned to what she was doing and how was Jim's ship doing and about a million tiny things that didn't matter...but at the same time they did. It had been a long time for them, and at that moment, in that cafe they had all the time in the universe to make some of the wrongs they had done to each other right.

X

Jim had made up his mind as to what he was going to do. But first he had to find the damn vulcan, and that was proving difficult. The afternoon faded to evening, and no matter how many miles of the city he scoured, Jim could not find Spock. His bondmate.

He didn't know what to do, and so when an Orion with big lashes and a gentle smile offered him a drink, he took it and joined her in the bar. And then he took several more drinks, drinks that burnt his throat and made his eyes water and then he couldn't see straight anymore. He still took another drink, and he let the Orion kiss him. But it wasn't right, her skin didn't burn under his touch, her kisses weren't a mixture of uncertain and hungry. Her eyes weren't dark and she wasn't Spock.

Jim pulled away and shook his head. She pouted and ran a hand over his face.

"Baby, I can make you feel better."

She produced a tiny, silver pill on her fingertip. Jim looked at it, the light reflected in its shiny coating. Jim hesitated. It had been a while since he'd done any drugs - since he had joined Starfleet. He reached for Spock in his mind and found _nothing_ and so he licked the tip of her finger and the pill dissolved on his tongue. Immediately his pupils blew wide open, the world suddenly louder and brighter and more colourful than it had been before.

The Orion ran her hands over Jim's neck, caressing his collarbone and this time her touch made him shudder. She smiled slyly and pushed her hands under his shirt, caressing his ribs and his muscles and kissing him on the mouth and her lips were the colour of strawberries.

Strawberries.

_"I'll forgive you if you try one. Have you ever had a strawberry?"_

_"I...no. My mother was very fond of them, but we never had this fruit on vulcan." _

_"Jim, if you wish for me to cook you breakfast I must insist that you do not...distract me." _

_"Jim it is me. It is Spock, we've found you. The Enterprise is here."_

_"I missed you, Spock."_

_This is how vulcans kiss._

_"You are everything that anyone could ever want." _

_"I dreamt it. When I was...when I was dying. Before you found me, that's were I was."_

_"...You didn't want to wake up?" _

_"No, I wanted to stay there with you." _

Spock.

Jim tore his lips away and staggered from the bar stool. The night air hit him like a slap in the face and he turned to vomit violently into a nearby potted plant. The world was a kaleidoscope and he wanted to go _home_. He began staggering towards the apartment, stopping to throw up or to stare at his hand because it felt like it was melting.

He felt warm inside, and then he looked around and he saw him. The city looked different, he didn't know where he was and hadn't it been night? But it didn't matter because it was him.

"Spock?" Jim began to run, and it felt like he was flying, "_SPOCK!"_

Kirk caught up to Spock and grabbed his shoulder, turning the half-vulcan around.

"Spock! I didn't know where you'd gone, I'm sorry about everything, you were right-"

Kirk stopped. Something was terribly wrong. Spock's face was smooth, emotionless in a way that Kirk had not seen since they had begun serving together.

"Spock? Spock what's happened, what's wrong?"

"I participated in the ritual of kolinahr, the purging of emotions and dedication to the vulcan teachings. While my decision at the time was based on emotions, and not logic, I now see that this is the only truly objective state of being. Evidently, it would be illogical to continue our relationship as I can no longer feel any emotion towards you."

"Spock, _please_." Jim grabbed Spock's arm desperately, "I _love_ you. I do. I want to be your bondmate, I mean it I'll do _anything_."

Spock just stared at Jim blankly. He felt nothing.

* * *

**Please don't kill me? **


	13. Chapter 12: Lover

**Chapter Twelve: Lover**

**Thank you for the lovely (and slightly threatening) reviews! I hope this chapter makes up for the last one!**

Jim awoke with a start, dripping in sweat with tears pouring down his face. He reached blindly for Spock, but the other side of the bed was empty. Because of him. He was at home, in their bed. He wasn't in the city, Spock wasn't...he couldn't be...No. No, it had been a dream a terrible dream but what if it wasn't?

_God help me_

"Spock?" he called hoarsely, desperately. He tried to get up off of the bed but his limbs felt like jelly. "Spock?!"

His communicator buzzed insistently on the floor.

_Spock Spock Spock I'm sorry please don't leave me_

He fell to the floor and buried his head in his hands, his broken arm throbbing and he was shuddering and unable to stop the sobs choking him. He couldn't bear it for another second. He didn't want to be alone, he wanted Spock, his Spock because _fuck_ it had always been Spock, _always. _

He did not know how long he had been there, curled up on the floor, with his knees drawn up to his chest when suddenly there were warm arms around him, long fingers wiping away his tears.

"Jim?" Spock's voice was hoarse. "Jim I am here."

Jim pressed Spock's hand to his face, and willed him to see the dream. He was aware that he was shaking uncontrollably and all he wanted was to be held. He _loved _Spock. He did, he knew it now. Spock was silent for a very long time before pulling Jim until he was sitting in his lap, their chests pressed together. Jim couldn't stop shivering, and Spock held him tightly, his skin hot against Jim's.

"T'hy'la, I would never leave you. Not like that, I promise. Never." Spock's voice broke on the last word and he kissed Jim fiercely before pulling away. Jim dropped his head onto Spock's shoulder.

"You already left me, Spock. What's stopping you from leaving again - I _can't_-"

Spock's hand ran over the cast on Jim's arm, his eyes full of pain.

"How can you ever forgive me, Jim?"

"Because I love you." Jim told him, and rested his head on Spock's shoulder. Spock took in a sharp breath and he moved, taking Jim's face in his hand.

"You love me?" he asked. He sounded vulnerable, unsure. Jim nodded and rested his forehead against Spock's.

"I love you, Spock."

Spock held him close, and from the wetness against Jim's cheek, he realised Spock was _crying_.

"I...I love you, Jim." he said quietly, and then again louder. "I love you, Jim. My t'hy'la."

"What does that mean, 't...hy'la?" Jim's tongue fumbled around the word endearingly.

"It means more than one thing. It can mean friend," he pressed a kiss to Jim's cheek, "It can mean brother," another kiss, on his temple, "and it can mean lover." A hot kiss on Jim's mouth. "It can also mean all three."

Jim was silent.

"So...bond mates. That's for life right? Like being married?"

"It can be. Bonds can be severed, and to become truly bonded it requires the expertise of a Vulcan trained in these matters. We do not have to rush, t'hy'la. You are right, your past does not define you and I love you as you are." Spock touched the tip of his nose to Jim's. "I am sorry for hurting you, Jim. I cannot express how...how-"

Jim pressed a gentle, soft kiss to Spock's lips.

Spock raised an eyebrow, amused and something in Jim's heart began to mend.

"Shush, Spock."

"I should have told you of my intentions regarding the investigation," he admitted quietly, his eyes searching Jim's face for anger, "I have betrayed your trust in me."

Jim took Spock's hand in his, and pressed their fingers together in a kiss.

"You _should _have told me. I'm your Captain you know," Jim grinned, "And I have an idea. Of course, it could go horribly wrong and I'll be kicked out of Starfleet but at least I'll have you."

"If you are planning to cause bodily harm to those conducting the investigation, I must reluctantly object."

Jim laughed, "Oh, Spock. Put a little faith in me, alright?"

Spock's lips twitched. Jim kissed them.

"I always have faith in you, Jim." Spock told him seriously. "Even if you coping mechanisms leave a little to be desired."

Jim blushed. He knew Jim had taken that pill?

"How do you know _that_?"

Spock rubbed a gentle circle on Jim's back. "T'hy'la, we are bonded. I can see your mind completely, and you can see mine."

Spock gently moved Jim off of his lap and stood, offering a hand to help Jim get up. He took it and squeezed Spock's hand.

"So this...we're going to do this? I mean, shit Spock this isn't exactly something I have experience in but, I will try. I promise that."

"That is all I can ask from you. And Jim, I am also not experienced in these matters. We will do this together."

Jim raised Spock's hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles.

"Together," he murmured, "I like the sound of that."

Spock's lips curved in an almost imperceptible smile, and he turned to the wardrobe to change. Jim headed for the shower, eager to put his plan in motion. The water was scalding hot and felt _good_. He felt good. Whole. He was very carefully washing his hair when warm arms wrapped around his waist. Spock moved Jim's hands away from his hair and began washing it himself, massaging Jim's scalp around the wound. Jim purred at the touch and leant back into him. The idea of a _wet_ Spock was almost irresistible, and so he turned, pulling Spock's face to his and capturing his lips in a warm kiss. It wasn't like before, it wasn't frantic and lustful. It was warm, sensual and Jim knew it was because they had _time _now. He could Spock's mind, comforting against his. He also felt the jolt of Spock's lust as he playfully nipped his bottom lip. Spock's skin was flushed slightly green.

"Jim, I believe..._Jim_."

Jim had tangled his hand into Spock's hair...the other hand moving decidedly south. Spock moaned into the kiss, and it took all of Jim's willpower to stop.

"Sorry. I can't help myself." he kissed Spock's chest, "But I really should go."

"Go where?"

"Well, they've called the crew of the _Enterprise _to hold a sort of 'summary' of their investigation. We're going to crash it."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "And how did you come by this information?"

Jim pressed kisses to Spock's fingertips.

"Bones sent me a message. I checked it when you were fussing with clothes. Which you don't actually seem to be _wearing_."

Spock ran his hands down Jim's spine.

"No, apparently not."

Jim pushed him away and waggled a finger. "Now, stop it you. I need to get you back as my First Officer, and _then_ we can have mind blowing sex."

Spock blinked, and then raised an eyebrow.

"I find myself amiable to this plan of yours."

"I thought you might. Now get your hands off my butt and let me shower."

Spock left, albeit a tad reluctantly. When Jim left the shower, Spock was sitting on the edge of the bed with smart clothes on. He watched as Jim changed into his dress uniform 'helping' with the buttons and stealing kisses. The bond between their minds burned bright and Jim couldn't help grinning constantly, despite the fact that the pair of them might be permanently kicked out of Starfleet. Spock settled the hat on Jim's head, and Jim kissed his jaw.

"Mine."

Spock shivered, resting his hand against JIm's chest to feel his heart.

"Yours."

Jim winked and held out his hand. Spock took it and they left the apartment, and Jim found that he didn't even notice if anyone was looking at them strangely, because all he could feel was their hands entwined in a kiss.

_I love you, Spock._

_And I love you, ashayam._

_What does that mean?_

_Beloved_.

_You're just a big softy really aren't you?_

Spock squeezed his hand as they slowed outside of the door to their ultimate fate. It was the room in which they had first seen each other, and the memory seemed odd now. To think they had once not known each other. Jim wondered if the Spock from the future had fallen in love with _his _Jim. But then, remembering the joy on his face when Jim had stumbled across him, it seemed obvious that he had.

"You ready Spock?"

"I still do not know what I should be ready _for_, but I am by your side, Jim."

Jim took in a deep breath, put on his 'Captain' face and opened the door. Beyond it, the entire crew of the _Enterprise _were sat, from Officers like Bones and Scotty to Ensigns that Jim had only met once or twice. In front of them were three Admirals - Admiral Adams, Admiral Hock and Admiral Susannah White. As Jim entered, he took note of their reactions. Adams looked vaguely perturbed but unsurprised, Hock was actively _glaring_ and White was watching with what _could _have been a small smile hovering on her mouth.

"Captain Kirk. What is the meaning of this? And only Starfleet personnel are authorized to enter this room." Hock shot a look at Spock, who simply looked back at him impassively.

"Well, according to regulations, no investigation of a Starship's crew can take place without the knowledge of the Captain. And this...whatever it is, is part of the investigation that I was definitely not informed about by you, _Admiral_."

Bones was grinning.

"Furthermore, this investigation has been, in my opinion, very badly executed. It has only taken a day, and as far as I can tell, no _investigation_ has actually taken place. My First Officer was conned into taking the fall for a mistake which...while it was a _mistake_ and a breach of regulations, is not serious enough to warrant his removal from Starfleet."

Scotty and Uhura were wearing twin smiles.

"And finally, if Spock is not reinstated immeidatly, I myself will resign from my Captaincy of the _Enterprise_ and leave Starfleet."

The room was completely silent, and then Bones stood.

"Dammit Jim, if you go, I go."

"Aye! I cannae serve on the _Enterprise _without ya Captain!"

"Not a chance I'll stay." Uhura stood with her arms crossed.

"I am wif you, Keptain!"

Sulu stood and winked at Chekov, "I'll leave too."

And with all the Officers standing tall, resolute, the rest of the crew stood, shouting their refusal to work on the _Enterprise_ if Spock and Jim weren't commanding them. The room was in absolute chaos - Adams looked exasperated and Admiral White wasn't trying to hide her smile now.

"Well!" she shouted over the commotion, "It seems our hands are tied. Adams?"

Adams rolled his eyes and nodded.

"No! I refuse to-" Hock began, but Susanna White smoothly spoke over him.

"I hereby reinstate Mr Spock to Science Officer and Commander on the _Enterprise_. Now, get out of here and back on your ship."

The crew cheered, but Jim wasn't finished. Ignoring the shocked expression on Spock's face, he grabbed his hand.

"ALSO! Also I would like to inform you lot that I'm in a relationship with my FIrst Officer. Okay, thank you BYE!"

Jim tugged Spock out of the room to rowdy applause. Admiral Hock looked as though he was about to have a heart attack. But apart from him, everyone was smiling and Jim felt the knot in his stomach undo. They were together, they had done it.

As they left the room, he slammed Spock up against the nearest wall and kissed him breathlessly.

"You should...have told me...you were...going to...do that." Spock managed to say between kisses. Jim smiled against his mouth.

_You trust me though?_

_Completely. _

Jim kissed him again, relishing the feeling of Spock's arms wrapping tightly around his waist and wondering if it was possible for life to get any better than this.

As it turned out, it _could_.

* * *

**I can't believe you lot really thought I could ever do that to Spock. I hope you enjoyed the fluff ^_^**


	14. Chapter 13: Family

**Chapter Thirteen: Family**

**So this is it! The last chapter. Thank you all so much for reading, following, reviewing and favouriting. This isn't the best thing I've ever written (WHAT IS PLOT) but I'm glad everyone has enjoyed reading the Spirk feels as much as I did writing them.**

* * *

The bonding ceremony took place on the New Vulcan colony, and even though it was not usually accepted, Jim had managed to persuade his crew to be there. Spock's future counterpart was also in attendance - and Jim was quite sure from the look in his eye that he had loved his Jim, but had never got to share this moment with him. At this thought, Spock had kissed the top of Jim's head reassuringly.

"I am thankful that we have this." he murmured into Jim's hair. Jim leant against him, his back to Spock's chest. The ceremony had taken awhile - which was Jim's fault really, as he was human and had insisted on the room being packed with the crew, not that Spock complained. They were now milling around in a beautiful hall that Spock had rented for them. Uhura had decorated it with tiny fairy lights, explaining that it had needed a woman's touch. Spock had simply raised an eyebrow, but Jim personally thought that it looked amazing.

"You know, when I invited Bones to this thing I was so nervous - well, he was the first person I told and it's basically like getting _married_ and I sort of...well my tongue slipped and I said uh..._boning_ ceremony."

Spock hid his smile.

"Jim, you are..."

"An idiot, I know."

Spock turned Jim around and looked him in the eyes, pressing a kiss to Jim's nose, his heart beating faster at the faint blush that decorated his bondmate's cheeks at the gesture.

"You are _my_ idiot."

Jim ignored the shiver of lust that tickled his spine at the thought of him being Spock's and Spock being _his_. Spock let out a low sigh at the thought, and Jim was even _gladder_ that their minds were so connected now.

"Jim, is that your mother?"

Jim spun round so fast he almost gave himself whiplash. He had invited her, hoping that they had fixed what went wrong between then enough for her to want to be there. He had ignored the crushing disappointment when she hadn't shown up, but been distracted by the fact that he was damn well _marrying_ Spock. His Spock. His heart did a little pathetic leap at the thought, and a smile tugged at his mouth.

Winona Kirk stood alone by the side of one of the buffet tables. She looked a little lost, but she found Jim and Spock in the crowd and she smiled. Jim set his shoulders and grabbed Spock's hand.

"I suppose I should introduce you to my mother." Spock was not fooled by the humour in Jim's voice, he knew Jim well enough that even without their bond, Jim's nervousness betrayed him in the tensing of his shoulders and the set of his jaw. He pressed their hands together in a kiss, and was rewarded by Jim's smile, a joy that burnt bright in his blue eyes and filled Spock with a contentment that he had never known before. A sense of true belonging, of being loved unconditionally. Spock had never thought these were feelings he could ever possess, and he could not even begin to understand how to thank Jim. But as blue eyes met brown, Spock realised that Jim already knew.

They made their way through the bunches of people, Uhura giving Jim a thumbs up before pressing a kiss to Scotty's cheek, Bones giving them a gruff nod. Family.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Ms Kirk." Spock said, nodding in greeting.

"I've heard a _lot_ about you." she smiled. Jim flushed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Oh don't worry, James. I'm not going to tell Spock anything _too_ embarrassing."

"Oh, jesus. If you've brought baby photos-"

Winona's grin became almost _mischievous_, an expression that Spock had seen many times in the face of her son.

"I'm glad you're here, mom." Jim said softly. Her eyes were warm and she pulled him into a hug. Spock almost let go of his hand, but Jim held on even more tightly and Spock was bombarded by the mixed emotions in Jim's head. Jim's childhood had been empty of embraces, of a motherly touch. Spock rubbed his thumb over the back of Jim's hand gently.

"My son getting married? James, I wouldn't have missed this for the world."

Jim's eyes were wet as he pulled away, and he cleared his throat, embarrassed. Winona's smile was slightly wobbly as well.

"You take care of my son." she said fiercely to Spock, and he smiled.

"I will."

X

"I think I should get a reward for being so _good_ all night." Jim breathed, his fingers fumbling with the buttons of Spock's shirt, kissing his neck passionately. Spock moaned quietly as Jim nipped at his collarbone, tearing the shirt from him. "I kept my hands to myself and everything."

Spock twisted his hands in Jim's golden hair as he was pushed against the wall of their room, his eyes rolling back as Jim kissed and licked his way down his chest, his hands moving to the zipper of his trousers. Spock had worn the traditional vulcan robes for the ceremony, but had been unable to resist the selfish desire to tease Jim and wear a suit for the celebrations afterwards. He was immeasurably glad that he had. Jim had relieved him of his trousers, and was kissing Spock's thighs. Spock pulled him to his feet to kiss him hard on the mouth. He tasted of whisky, warm and sweet and _Jim_.

"I can think of several occasions where you did not in fact, keep your hands to yourself." he unbuttoned Jim's shirt with ease, using his tie to pull him close for another long, deep kiss.

"Technically, you are part of _me_," Jim breathed as Spock undid his trousers, "So I am _allowed_."

Eventually, they both lay on the bed naked, hands entwined in the middle of the bed.

"I'm so happy." Jim said, grinning over at Spock. "_You_ make me happy."

Spock moved, straddling Jim's hips and pressing a hot kiss to Jim's neck.

"And you make me happy t'hy'la. Illogically so."

Jim laughed, but it trailed off as Spock ground his hips against Jim's. The lust crept up on them both, and Spock's eyes were dark as he began leaving bruising kisses over Jim's chest.

"I..._shit_...Spock, could you...ah, fuck _stop_!" Spock looked up from his position settled between Jim's thighs. "Would you uh..." Jim flushed red and flopped his head back on the pillow, staring at the ceiling. "Just...just _fuck_ me, Spock."

Spock's intake of breath and the rocket of desire that shot through their bond nearly made Jim lose it, his hands clenching at the sheets in order to regain some resemblance of self control. It didn't really work.

"You...you want me to...?" Spock's voice was hoarse and uncertain, and goddamnit that was even more sexy.

"_Now_." Jim growled, pushing Spock so he was kneeling upright, and rolling over onto his front. He could feel Spock's absolute disbelief, followed by his warm hands skimming down the skin of Jim's back, running down his spine.

"You are sure? I am far stronger than you...I do not wish to hurt you."

Jim took in a shuddering breath as Spock placed his hands on his hips and pulled Jim so he was kneeling his face buried in the pillow.

"Spock, I _love_ you."

Spock pressed a kiss to the base of Jim's spine and grabbed the bottle of lubricant that Jim had taken to keeping under the bed. In the few months following Spock's reinstatement on the _Enterprise_, they had had sex a _lot_, but it had always been Jim taking the lead. Spock was both worried and aroused by the idea of having Jim truly at his mercy.

Jim bit into the pillow as Spock pushed inside him, muffling the moan that slipped between his lips. Spock was slow at first, reveling in each tremble of Jim's body, the noises in his throat, the feel of his skin becoming slick with lusty sweat. His grip on Jim's hips became rougher, his movements harder and faster and Jim wasn't even bothering to try and keep quiet anymore. With each thrust he grunted and moaned and squirmed under Spock's relentless pace, and each noise sent Spock further and further over the edge, swearing under his breath in vulcan. As Spock roughly swore, then hoarsely moaned Jim's name, Jim shuddered the orgasm ripped through him, from his mind to Spock's and they both trembled to a stop, moving to lay together in the bed, a tangle of arms and legs, pressed close together, hearts beating.

"I would not be adverse to doing that again," Spock said, running his hand apologetically over the bruises on Jim's hips. Jim let out a strangled laugh.

"Well, I don't think I'd be 'adverse' to you doing that again. In fact, feel free to do it whenever you like." Spock raised an eyebrow. "You know I've always wanted you to suck my dick while I'm sitting in my Captain's chair. Think the bridge on the _Enterprise_ will be empty?"

Spock raised his other eyebrow, and smiled.

"Oh! I uh. I have something for you." Jim extracted himself from Spock and reached over to the drawer by their bed, pulling out two small boxes. "I know vulcans don't do this sort of thing but I'm human and you're half human so I thought-"

Spock opened the box Jim had handed him and was staring blankly at the simple gold band nestled in the velvet.

"It's okay you don't have to wear it I just-"

Spock slid the ring onto the finger of his left hand, looking at Jim with pure, ecstatic happiness etched in every line of his face. He kissed Jim hard, showing Jim his pleasure and joy through their bond.

"They are perfect Jim. I cannot thank you enough."

Jim pulled the other ring onto his own finger, and Spock watched. It was a tangible, visible mark that Jim was _his_.

X

_Ten years later_

Jim looked at the tiny bundle in his arms with what appeared to be a mixture of absolute joy and pure panic. It was a baby, a baby with big blue eyes that blinked blearily up at him and soft pointed ears. It was their baby.

Spock pressed a kiss to the baby's forehead, his eyes alight with happiness.

"What shall we call her, ashayam?"

Jim shrugged, still hypnotised by the tiny hand that had wrapped around his thumb. He had never seen himself as a father, but then he had never seen himself as a husband either. The _Enterprise_ was due a complete refit with the latest technology, one that would take three years to complete. Some of the crew, such as Sulu and Chekov had signed up onto another ship for that time. Scotty and Uhura were going to move in together and help with the refitting, Bones was working at the nearby hospital and Spock and Jim had decided to stay close to the ship, finding a mother to carry their child and a house in sight of the _Enterprise _so they could bring her up in the shadow of their true home. Jim didn't know whether he would return to his ship after those three years, but he knew that no matter what he chose Spock would be right beside him. Space had always been his love, the _Enterprise_ his home and his family, but as he kissed his child's nose and looked up at Spock, he realised that he had a family right here - and he would do what was best for them no matter what.

* * *

**Yay Spock and Kirk have a baby. Again, thank you all for reading this and I hope this chapter of nothing but fluff and smut will make up for all the angst I wrote earlier!**


End file.
